Hot, salty tears poured down my cheeks as I entered the terminal for
the last leg of my journey home. The moment I stepped past the last
security checkpoint it hit me. I was alone. Completely alone. It was
odd. It was nerve-wrecking. I didn’t like it AT ALL!
On the Race even when you are zipped in your tent you know there is
always someone within a few feet, you can probably hear them snoring.
You’re never really alone.
A few weeks ago I was left at my home in Georgia completely alone. It
was odd. It was nerve-wrecking. I didn’t like it AT ALL! That night I
fell asleep with stinging tears in my eyes, just wanting a friend
instead of a big empty house. I promptly found lodging elsewhere for my
remaining stay.
I came home to a world that is oddly familiar yet distinctly different.
Things are as they always were except people have passed on, some have
moved on, and even most of my friends are dating, engaged or married.
Seems a lot happened in one year.
About a dozen times a day I vacillate between just wanting to be near
people and wishing everyone would leave me alone, but alone is the one
thing I’ve had in too huge a dose (other than sugar). It is just that it seems when I am around people as I try to sort through the memories and stories to tell, while editing it in my head to create a captivating prose, it all comes out jumbled and leaves me frustrated.
There were once dreams of living in a log cabin, in the forest, alone
with just a cat for company, nicely tucked away and safe from the world
and those strange creatures we call people. “I don’t like kids. I don’t
like teens. I don’t like adults. Basically I don’t like people” That is
what I once said. I sincerely meant every word.
It seems the truth is I like people. A LOT! It hurts to love and let
go, hoping they will cross your path again, but never quite certain. It
is heart-breaking to see the way some people are forced to live and the
way some people choose to live.
But then to not care and to not love based merely on the safety of one’s heart is quite the selfish existence, and lonely too.
While it has been hard to return to a consumer-based society with no
money and no job prospects, the biggest struggle has been the
loneliness as I warm the rocking chair day in and day out trying to
make sense of the blank canvas before me.
So at the end of the week I will head to Gainesville, GA to spend a few
weeks at Project Searchlight to try to make heads or tails of the
things I feel passionate about. I am not sure what I hope to gain from
my time there honestly. All I know is I returned with strong sense of
urgency for us as the body of Christ to know our identity in Him and
walk it out. To me it seems such a small thing and yet impossibly large
all at once.Maybe I just hope to have a clue about where to go from here.
