The kids have all left to go home for their winter break.
I couldn’t believe how hard the goodbyes were. We only got to share a little over a week with these kids, but they truly impacted our lives (Last blog link).We woke up early to enjoy tea time with the students as we wished them farewell. Sweet Ann looked at me and said, “I am missing you people already,” as she hugged my neck.
I will never forget Ann or the love that she showed me. Although it hurts to continue to say goodbye and allow my heart to break over and over again, God IS still good. He IS still in control and He WILL be my Constant when I have nothing else to hold onto.
It has gotten a little lonely around here, but this past week without them has been a time for us to grow together as a team and look at ministry in a new light.
We have been cooking for ourselves over a gas tank, so meals have been a fun time to fellowship, get creative, and love on each other. We got to go with Captain to visit a Del Monte Pineapple Plantation. We were able to go visit the school for the physically impaired, where we witness mothers carrying fully grown teenagers on their backs. We have watched movies together huddled around a computer screen and played card games! We have gotten to spend hours in team time and really encourage and challenge each other in new ways. We have taken the time to work out together…nothing like doing some P90x together to bond :).
We finally took a day off for the first time since we have been here and drove about an hour away to a little shopping center called the Village Market. It was so nice to get away into a westernized atmosphere where there are real toilets, amazing food, and wifi to talk to family. It made me realize how weird it will be going back to the states after this year of traveling to some of the poorest countries in the World.
I had the sweet blessing of getting to skype ALL of my family members…
even my little niece that I am just dying to meet in person. 🙂
The race has taught me to cherish those moments that I get to talk with my family. More than ever I have realized how easily I took for granted the incredible family He has blessed me with. They encourage me, push me, and love me so well from all the way across the world. (Thanks fam 🙂
This month has been hard for me. I have felt tired, irritable, and exhausted.
Because of these feelings…I haven’t felt like myself.
We had the opportunity to meet a British team that was here for a few days doing some painting projects. I immediately got jealous of their energy and excitement for what they were doing…where had my zeal gone?! I felt depressed as I realized I have less than half of the energy I normally do and I feel distant from Him. This forced me to check my heart.
As I sat in a plastic chair at our cozy little table drinking some instant coffee out of my collapsable travel mug, I cried out to God.
“Daddy, why does it hurt so much? Why do I feel so exhausted?
Why am I aching for the comforts of home? Why am I tired of investing? Why do I feel so distant from you?!”
I sat there as He spoke truth after truth to me…
(Many times I wonder why I wait so long to ask God the questions nagging at my heart…)
Romans 8:26
“Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness”
Romans 8:28-30
“No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.
For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels, nor ruler, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth,
nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Isaiah 40:31
“But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint.”
Ephesians 2:10
“For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works,
which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.”
I heard Him whisper… “It’s not about you, Beloved. I am strong when you are weak.”
Boom. Thank you for the wake up call Jesus.
He continued to speak to me, “I have prepared you for this. I have equipped you. I am not finished yet.”
The truth is that there will always be things in life that cause us to grow tired. There will always be heartache around us. We will always be saying goodbyes in one way or another.
We will always be faced with adversity because we are CHOSEN to walk a life that brings glory to HIM.
Are we hiding in the shadow of His wings when we grow weary and tired? Are we daily laying down our burdens and letting Him carry them because we are simply not strong enough to carry the load alone? Are we letting Him renew our strength? Are we giving Him our broken hearts or running to the next easy fix that will only distract us from what is truly going on?
I heard Him remind me,
“I never said it was going to be easy.
I promised to teach you.
I promised to use you.
I promised to mold you and change you
I promised to fulfill you.”
Are we willing?
Are we willing to daily die to ourselves even when we are tired of it all. Are we willing to chose discipline and freedom IN HIM rather than fall into the foolishness and cling to the comforts of the World?
It isn’t easy…but it IS fulfilling.
These past few days have given me a lot of time to think and ask myself where do I want to see my life in a few years. Who do I really want to be and how can I run after it? Where am I going?
Am I willing to follow where He calls me even if it isn’t what I expected or what I thought my life would be like? Am I willing to give up friendships, hobbies or even my career to follow the new hopes and dreams he has placed so delicately in this new heart of mine? Am I willing to keep running despite the fatigue and exhaustion of this race?
I am willing.
Are you?
