I can’t believe we are already halfway through our time in Haiti! The days go by so quickly with all 48 of us together as a squad this month. I could write about many personal and corporate victories in the last two weeks as we long for and experience God’s love in new ways. But for this blog I want to share the raw doubts and struggles that have run through my brain since being on the field. My purpose is neither to overshadow or minimize what I’ve seen God do here nor to dwell in lies and negativity, but to be vulnerable before you. God gets glory in both the “best” moments of ministry and the process. So here goes. The four toughest lies that have been weighing down my heart:
– I get overwhelmed and discouraged by the poverty around me.
– I experience culture shock. I feel too white, to wealthy and too out of place to be able to speak truth into the lives of the people here.
– I feel unneeded both in ministry and among my squad.
– I feel guilty when I’m not exhausted from ministry and guilty when I am.
Yesterday as I brought these lies into the light I could see the truth and choose to believe it. The truths are:
– With God all things are possible. I see this country only in part, but God is working, redeeming and restoring the material poverty here. And for those here living by faith there is a beautiful dependence on God. They approach Him in a way that I never have and possibly never will because of my material cocoon.
– My identity is not what I look like, what I have or my past experiences. I am a human being, made in the image of God and in need of purpose, hope and love. So are they. I can relate to them. By the power of the Spirit I can encourage them. And I can give time, show love and bring the powerful hope of the Gospel.
– I have been called here without a doubt. Just because we’re a group of missionaries does not mean we don’t need to be ministered to ourselves. I will choose to seek others out and act in love instead of waiting to be invited by them.
– It is finished. My worth was sealed when Jesus gave His blood and His life for me. There’s no such thing as “Jesus plus”. My times of rest are worship to God.
I was encouraged by Hebrews 11:6 to press on:
And without faith it is impossible to please him for whoever would draw near to God must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who seek him.
After abiding in truth there was room for the Spirit to come fill me and use me during ministry yesterday afternoon. I was filled with joy and the whole day became worship. But that is a story for another blog 🙂
