About two weeks ago my team and I went and spent a week in Montenegro with our entire team for debrief. This was a time for us to step back after having been away from all things normal to us for a month and refresh, reenergize, encourage each other, seek God more, and reflect on all that he had done so far.
For me debrief was something I didn’t even realize I needed. I didn’t realize I needed the rest and I didn’t realize I needed the time with God to just sit and actually figure out what I needed to hear and what he had been preparing to show me. For me when I thought of the previous two weeks it was blurry. I couldn’t pin point what God had been trying to show me and what I had learned, but I knew there was something. So I spent most of debrief trying to figure out what God had been trying to teach me and what had spiritually been happening in my life because I knew there was something there.
Flash forward to the one Sunday that we were all there, Madeline, Jason, and I all decided to go and get coffee and have a simple but good day. So we grabbed coffee, had lunch, and then decided to listen to a podcast since we hadn’t had church that morning. The wifi at the hostel was kinda weird and didn’t always work so we decided that the video we were originally going to watch wasn’t going to work too great. So Jason whipped out a different podcast from the Baylor Vertical ministries. It was a study on revelation. In the podcast the guy says things how in the fullness of God and in all his glory our natural response is to fall down on our face, natural response for our knees to literally buckle… and he asked the question how often do we have that response or hold God at that standard from day to day life? He also said how if you find yourself always saying how you are bored with God, don’t feel like doing quiet time, don’t feel like spending time with him, or anything that maybe you have the wrong God. Because there is always more of him to learn or see, there’s just always more of him. This hit me really really deep and left my mind spinning for the next two days. I didn’t know why and I didn’t know what to do but I was kinda lost with the idea that I had the wrong God. And the more I thought about it…I did…or I thought I did.
So the next day I ended up talking to my dad about all of that and what I was thinking and just how I didn’t know what to do. He sent me a link to an Andy Stanley sermon called God of the No Testament and told me it kinda went along with that same idea of having the wrong God or the wrong understanding of him. So the next morning I decided to listen to it. In it Andy talks about how there are six different versions of “God” that aren’t actually God. These are things such as the bad things don’t happen to good people God, the anti-science God, the boyfriend God (always feel and hear from him), and so on. All of these are mostly created from someone just saying God is like that sometime in our life but actually not a characteristic of who God is and in fact some are just ignorant versions of God, which still make them not him. I was listening to all of the six Gods he went through and realized that I thought all of them were characteristics of God and now this guy was saying they weren’t, and it made sense… but I really did have the wrong God. I HAD THE WRONG GOD. WHO IS GOD? That’s basically what my mind was like. But I wasn’t lost, I did know God and I do know him. You see when you continue listening he explains that sometimes as little kids we are explained a version of God that we can understand, but sometimes as we grow up we don’t allow that view or understanding to expand or grow as we and our capability to know more grows. He said it is like the question where does a baby come from, the answer is different for a five year old, fifteen year old, and a pre-med student. But all of the answers are telling the truth, just at some point ‘mommies tummy’ isn’t good enough. Same with God. The childlike versions of God that we are taught as a kid are good and accurate, but at some point we need more than that. And I realized that I hadn’t allowed myself to know that more. I had been trying to grow closer to God, follow his plan for my life, but I had a childlike version of him in my head. I had a ‘mommies tummy’ God. And I this stifled myself to be able to grow closer to him because I didn’t actually know God in all of the capacity and complexity that I could at this age. I had kept him in the little kid understanding box.
I had the wrong God… not because I didn’t know God but because I didn’t allow him to speak who he was into me over the years rather kept my opinion of who he was from a kid consume who I thought he was completely.
This was a crazy realization for me and my mind was spinning. This day was full of literal shaking and crying and not knowing what to do. The one thing I was basing my entire life in and for had been shaken and torn down in an instance.
I don’t actually know who God is.
That’s all I could think of. But I heard a little whisper that said, “you still know me. Just ask me who I am”. So I started doing that over the next couple days and weeks and even now I am still asking that. God who are you?
Because no I wasn’t actually fully starting over with figuring out who God was, I did know him. I just need and needed to figure out more of his character and to stop asking questions about who I was but who he was.
When I had a one on one with my squad mentor, Kaylaynn, she told me that it is like I have been building a castle with God. And This realization was him just saying it is good, but we can do better. So he started taking down my castle to build it into more of what he wants it to look like and just to overall be better, and she is right. This is not starting over but building up the foundation I already had more in the direction it is meant to be in rather than what I thought it was supposed to look like.
And that is probably the only reason I didn’t totally break down with all of this, because I had a peace and had God whispering to me the entire time, “you still know me”.
So I started asking that question, who are you God?
And he started showing me.
In Montenegro that same week I feel like re brought that phrase I have adventure for you and changed it and told me he is adventure.
Then when I was going through Ephesians I saw how he is giving. He continually wants to give things to us, himself, his characteristics, ways to love people better, ways to live how we are meant to live, just everything.
I also learned how he is thoughtful and intentional. The holy trinity is a crazy cool thing that I have been looking into some and that me and my team have gone over and its INSANE! You can see an awesome picture of how the father, son, and holy spirit are all ultimately seeking their glory since they are one but they are continually lowering themselves to bring the glory of their counterpart up. (that’s the best I can explain it because it’s kinda hard to explain but super rad) Anyway we are allowed into that to bring glory to God and only allowed into it because of the death of Christ through the holy spirit in us. Like God figured out a way for us, his creation, to come into that holy trinity with them like how awesome!
Also I have seen how God is love. I already knew this but with how he loves the church creates an image of how marriage should be is just so cool. He created a mini version of what his love for us looks to be in.
He is also humorous. He is crazy funny and has an awesome sense of humor. I have seen it so many ways the past couple weeks there are too many to explain but it’s so cool because how many times do you hear people talk about his humor? But he has it and he is and its hilarious!
I have been learning a ton of other things about who he is too but I can’t name them all, it would be a blog in itself, which I will probably eventually do, but still.
I’m still in shock this all happened in the first month and a half on the race and that I only have a month left in Albania but when you ask for more of him he gives it to you, so then again I’m not that surprised.
As you learn more about God you learn more about yourself since you are created in his image.
You can’t expect to know more about what God has for you, if you can’t even recognize him, or if you hold him into borders that he isn’t meant to be in.
If you want more of him, ask, but be willing to hear something that you may originally not want to hear, or break before you are brought back to the point where you receive the more. Because being brought down to be brought up is still more if it’s his plan.
Also side note, I still have about $615 to raise so I can finish this crazy amazing journey and race that I have started! So please keep that in your prayers, or help support me if you can!
I thank you all for your prayers and support back home, I feel them all! I am so so glad to have the support I do back home and it makes it so much easier on the hard days to know I have that back home. I wish you all the best of luck and wish blessing on all that you do and are up to.
With tons of love,
SC (Essie)
also these are the podcast/sermons I listened to:
https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/vertical-ministries-podcast/id650471340?mt=2&i=360686871
and
(the one I listened to is the second sermon called “God of the No Testament”)
