Before this year, I really never thought of myself as someone who was scared of much. Sure I don’t like snakes or dogs, I might scream on a roller coaster or in a car accident and I am not keen on the idea of bungee jumping, but I never really thought much about my fears. This year I have become more aware of fears that I did not know I had or did not think were serious. I have learned that when I am in the kitchen and a mouse the size of an enormous sewer rat runs through that I react by screaming and jumping up onto the nearest chair. Zip lining from treetop to treetop in the jungle hundreds of feet up in the air and being lowered by rope to reach the ground will cause me to scream, my heart to pound like it’s coming out of my chest, and my body to shake from the adrenaline and caffeine (from the coffee I just had to drink that morning). While these fears may not be uncommon and even amusing, other more serious and unrealized fears have popped up recently.
God called me to fast from the internet during the month of May. This meant no communication with anyone back home, but I knew the biggest challenge would be no communication with my boyfriend Jose. The month of May was really tough. I loved the country my team was in, our ministry contact and his family, and our ministry, but it was a difficult month for our team and not being able to talk to Jose on top of those challenges made the month almost unbearable. For the first half of the month, I found the fast to be very fruitful. Whenever I thought of Jose, I would begin to pray for him. I was also spending much more time in prayer and found a renewed love for reading and digging into the Word of God. The second half the month was not as fruitful because as team dynamics grew worse, I began to withdraw a bit from them and my quiet times suffered as well. It was challenging to give love when love is not being received.
Finally I broke the fast the day before we left our ministry site to head back to Thailand for debrief. I was able to reach Jose on Skype. Two conversations later, I was feeling much better. I had missed communication with him so much and could not wait to talk to him daily while in Bangkok for debrief. Unfortunately, things did not go as I had hoped. I could not talk to him daily in Bangkok due to inadequate internet connection. Things were no better with the team, and by this point I was completely drained physically and emotionally. After leaving Thailand and arriving in South Africa, the announcement was made that there were changes to our ministries in Mozambique. My team would no longer be working with Erica and Steph Chiu’s teams (two of my closest friends) but would instead be sent out into the “bush.” For those of you who read my last blog, you know that I am not excited or ready for that. This also means that after a month of fasting and a debrief without good internet and now news about being remotely located, that this will be now an almost guarantee of nearly two months with no communication with my boyfriend. I did not receive the news well and was perhaps a bit overly dramatic as I threw myself on Steph’s bed after getting word of the change. This meant I would not be with my friends and I would not be able to talk to Jose; I was more than a little bummed. Almost immediately, Steph and Erica prayed for me. God gave Steph some scripture and she shared Jeremiah 29:11-14 with me:
‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you,’ declares the Lord, ‘and will bring you back from captivity. I will gather you from all the nations and places where I have banished you,’ declares the Lord, ‘and will bring you back to the place from which I carried you into exile.’
Right now I am realizing that things from my past have popped up and I have fears that have crept into my life that need to be recognized and confronted. Reflecting on the past few days, I have come to realize that I am facing a fear of rejection and a fear of loss. During worship one morning, I realized that I was afraid of losing Jose. After pouring over questions in my mind, I stopped abruptly when God revealed that all of this had nothing to do with Jose, but rather stemmed from my past. These fears were surfacing because of past experiences of a broken engagement and unsuccessful relationships and long-distance relationships in my past. Looking back, I realized that these questions, concerns, doubts, and fears began shortly after the stop in communication began. The fast was difficult, but ending the fast, still having almost no communication, and knowing there will be little to none this month is really what tipped the scales. This is truly a time of testing. No communication means that I have to trust that God is in control and trust that Jose won’t stop loving me simply because we can’t communicate for a little while. But, it is hard. With regular communication, I have that constant reassurance that Jose loves me and everything is ok. Without that, I need faith. I feel like I am not ready for this. Many tears have been cried recently and there will undoubtedly be more this year.
I know that James 1 says that testing my faith will develop perseverance, but I really don’t want to be tested right now. I know I am not the same person that I was 4 or 5 years ago and Jose is unlike any man I have dated before and I truly believe that God brought Jose into my life. No other guy could be more right for me and being apart is so difficult. I do not want to be afraid of losing him. I know that these fears are not from God. I know that God has not given me a spirit of fear as Paul talks about in Romans 8:15 and I am growing in faith and trust, but I am not fully there yet.
