Okay, maybe I’m not pregnant [and by maybe, I mean I most definitely am NOT pregnant].
However, my emotional, mood-swinging state of mind right now could lead you to believe differently.
In Kenya, I wrote about being engaged [read here]. In India, I wrote a blog about my 6-person marriage [read here]. Naturally, I am now prego.
Last week, I asked my current team if it would be against my new mindset of “high honor” to ask my mom to share my twin-sized bed in my apartment for the first few nights I am home. In fact, I opted out of getting a bigger-than-a-twin-sized bed because I am so afraid of having a bigger bed to myself. [Mom, I hope you are up for a few nights lacking comfort to give me a few more nights of comfort].
Currently, I am completely torn when it comes to this whole “World Race has to end” thing.
…
I want to be home so badly — to move into my apartment, to meet with the other RDs, to meet my RAs, to welcome the newest batch of BMWs [Beautiful McClain Women], to begin this exciting new season.
BUT.
I want time to stop. I want to get to Brasov where I will be in the presence of God’s FAVORITE World Race Squad — THE Q.
I want to just sit.
And stare at them.
And love them.
And hold their hands.
And never let go.
…
I want to be finished traveling allllll the time.
BUT.
I am afraid of falling into a “boring” lifestyle.
…
I want to be done living out of a backpack.
BUT.
I am terrified of having a closet all to myself [let alone a 2-bedroom apartment].
…
I have never in my life been so sure, so ready, so excited about the next season of my life. I know without a shadow of a doubt God has hand-picked me to be the next RD of McClain. [read about my dream job here].
BUT.
I have also never in my life been so terrified to leave what I currently have. Leaving my community of World Racers, leaving my Q family, leaving this crazy-nutso lifestyle that nobody except World Racers will ever understand no matter how much we try to explain it.
* The Q at Training Camp — we're just little babies here *
I am sitting in Romania in Month 11 wishing I could go back to The Philippines in Month 1.
This year has been the best and the worst year of my life.
And I am beyond thankful for every minute of it.
All of me wants to tell you to give up your expectations of who I am now.
Yes, I am still Samantha, however … I have been taken through the fire this year. I have been tweaked, refined, and made more like my precious Savior. [disclaimer: the jetlag during my first few days back may lead you to believe differently. High grace, please?]
I am not on one of those “I just got back from a Joyce Meyer weekend conference” spiritual highs.
I am more in love with God than I have ever been.
I know who I am because I have seen the I AM. I am walking in the freedom Christ died to give me.
… all of those good things, but they are just… normal to me [please do not for a second believe that I am trying to downplay the awesome works God has done in me this year].
I guess with this blog I am trying to say… I love World Race. I love The Q. I love God. < — Definitely in reverse order of importance.
+ I am fully confident that this verse is true:
“…He who began a good work in you will be faithful to complete it…”
– Philippians 1:6
