“Vulnerability spurs growth in yourself and in others.”
^ A quote that has stuck in my mind since the first time I read it in September 2007. I was preparing to lead my first Bible study as an RA.
I became very vulnerable with my residents that night. I shared my story for the first time. I saw the growth that happened because of that vulnerability. I saw firsthand how much freedom I was able to walk in and how much freedom that night brought to those women around me. Sharing my story became a normal part of my life. It was not a big deal — but it was. Each time I shared, I saw more and more freedom and growth in myself and in others. That quote became truth.
So. Since I’m talking about vulnerability, I am going to open up something big here. Bear with me, please.
As my readers, my supporters, my prayer warriors, my fighters, my friends, my family, I feel like you should know my heart. You should know where I am right now. I pray that when you read this, you will be able to not only see my heart, but to pray for me, to meet me where I am, and to love me through this time.
I have not been on the World Race since April 1st. Yes, I am still physically here, but I have not been here mentally. I have struggled to “be here.” I have not loved well. I have not pursued well. I have not been a good steward of the World Race — the gift God gave me this year. I have looked at plane tickets home more than once…
I understand that the enemy is full of lies. However, he’s not super sneaky. He does the same thing… he takes a truth & twists it just a bit. It still looks like truth, but it’s just a little skewed.
I want to introduce you to the lies that have become my truths over the past few months…
I am the reason a friend of mine went home.
You see, halfway through the month of January, God told me that my closest friend on The Q was going home. I did nothing about it. I kept it. I mourned. I said nothing to anyone.
So…Month 5 Debrief came, and I found out my friend was going home — for real. I blamed myself. I kept hearing “You should have said something.” “You should have called one of the leaders.” “You should have fought for your friend.” “Why did you let your friend go?” “Do you realize you just gave up? What a friend you are…” … and it goes on & on… [To my friend, I’m sorry].
Since then, I have believed that I sent my friend home. I have believed that it was my fault.
This past week was the first time I ever shared that with anyone. I was told that this is a lie. Today was the first day that I believed the truth in the situation.
Because “I had sent my friend home,” I believed that nobody on the Q loved me. Did I love them? Yes. Did I know that they loved me? Well, I see now that they did — and they loved me well… but slowly by slowly I believed the lie that they loved me out of obligation. It wasn’t because they chose to love me — it was because they had to travel the world with me for 11 months, so they might as well learn to love me.
I have believed that I did not have a single friend on The Q [except for JD].
I have believed that I am not worth loving.
I have believed that I am not worth pursuing.
I have believed that if I do not pursue people, I will be lonely.
I have believed that I am not worth being a friend.
** Disclaimer. I now recognize these as lies. Looking back, I see just how gross those lies are. I do. I’m still working through them…**
What have I learned?
I have learned that people do love me. I have learned that the enemy has definitely twisted my mind and messed.me.up. I have learned that because of my lack of vulnerability over the past 4 months, I have given the enemy a foothold — and he took it. He grabbed on because I let him.
My mind has been gone. My mind was at home — I painted my new apartment a few times this week. It got to the point where I was convinced I needed to go home. For real, this time. I was prepared to buy a plane ticket from Kathmandu to Chicago this week. If I did it quickly enough, I could make it home in time for Bubby’s state track meet.
I think my decision to leave was a cry of defeat — I felt defeated. I felt just… done.
I have also learned that even if people don’t love me, that’s okay. God still does.
He is enough.
His love is enough.
He wants all of me.
My worth is in Him.
My identity is in Him.
Yes, He provides good people to walk alongside me, but I know that I need to be rooted completely in Him and Him alone.
I have learned that I do not know how to let.people.love.me. I do not know how to let people pursue me. I do not know how to just be loved.
So. This is it. This is my heart. This is where I am. I am in Nepal. I have not been fair to my Q family. I have not been fair to God. I have not been fair to myself. I am learning to discern lies from truth. I am learning to lean on the Lord as my rock, my worth, my identity. I am learning how to choose to be here. I am learning how to let.people.love.me.
This is what I have to learn. God has given me 4 amazing women on my team to meet me where I am and to love me through this time – and they are. They are doing a rockstar job. They are walking me through. They are helping me choose to be here. [which—I am working on]. They refuse to give up on me. They are amazing.
God’s not done with me yet.
He’s not ready for me to go home.
He’s not ready for me to give up.
He has never stopped fighting for me.
He has never stopped chasing me.
He has never stopped pursuing me.
He never will.
My heart behind this blog is not for you to feel sorry for me. My heart behind this blog is to simply let you know where I am – to let you know that I am going through the fire right now — mostly because of my own doing. My heart behind this blog is to be vulnerable and hopefully spur some growth in myself and in others. My heart behind this blog is to ask you to partner with me and pray for me through this time.
Thank you.
P&B,
Samantha
