Allow me to be blatantly open and honest in his blog if you will.
More times than not I feel unworthy to repent, I feel I’ve failed God in innumerable ways that I don’t know what to say or how to come before him. I feel my weaknesses, my imperfections, my flaws, and every inadequate thing about me is more reason for him to rid me of earth. “What use am I?” Draped in sin, the thought of God choosing someone like me is often unfathomable. Thoughts of condemnation race across my mind constantly and I feel I deserve nothing less than the full wrath of God for my unrighteousness. Thoughts of Christ holding out his nailed scarred hands, while a crown of thorns pierce his head, and blood decorates his flesh is ever before me. The thought of him saying “my child my child, is my grace not sufficient enough, do I not satisfy you” is all too real when I blatantly sin before him as if he never existed. At this moment to even think of this brings grief and brokenness to my futile heart.
I remember as a young kid, I was exposed to pornography and had the opportunity to lay my hands intimately on an adult woman. Little did I know I had just opened a door to a war that the enemy would use to try and annihilate me. As 1st Peter 2:11 says “Beloved I urge you as sojourners and exiles to abstain from the passions of the flesh which wage war against your soul”. The devil wants the core of me, and that day he took the addictive craze of lust to use it against my soul. I remember vividly looking at parts of women on TV that I never knew existed. As I sat in the midst of older cousins, while they laughed, joked, and took pleasure in what was in front of them, they openly indulged in the passions of the flesh. I was feeble and influenced by what was around me and I wanted so desperately to partake in what seemed fun. I wanted to laugh, I wanted to joke, yet I was in shock as hormones raged and the lustful desires enlarged. That day, that moment, that experience, on top of the influence of this culture had a detrimental impact on me. There are things that I am absolutely embarrassed to express!
Still to this day, I Richard Bowman at the age of 25 is in a battle for my LIFE. Heaven and hell is at stake my friend!
Have you not read Matthew 5: 27-30 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ 28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart. 29 If your right eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body be thrown into hell. 30 And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. For it is better that you lose one of your members than that your whole body go into hell”
Let me say the very thought of lusting after a women drives me to repentance and conviction yet the thoughts come. The very action of partaking in any hint of immorality whether movies, speech etc. drives me to remorse and contrition yet the partaking happens. The very thought of having impure motives leads me to sorrow and penitence yet the motives still occur. The dreams that I cannot control while sleeping of being sexually intimate with a woman drives me to regret the fact that I even went to sleep, yet the dreams happen. I am thankful for this contrite and repentant heart because it is only the grace of God that leads me to this point. But, there is no room for a half deliverance, in fact there is no such thing as a half deliverance. Either God delivered you or he didn’t and I am convinced that the power of God can deliver me from every immoral thought, motive, and partaking. Before God saved me I drank lust and immorality down as though it were water quenching my thirst, but now the salvation of the Lord has graced me to fight, fight, fight, and keep fighting this fight through prayer, fasting, and meditation on his word.
1Thessolonians 4:2-8 “For you know what instructions we gave you through the Lord Jesus. 3 For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; 4 that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, 5 not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; 6 that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. 7 For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness. 8 Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you.
There is only one thing that can empower me to walk in this way of holiness and that is the Holy Spirit. I am praying for greater manifestations of his spirit in my life, please do so as well. This is war and I ain’t losing you can bank on that!
