I stood. Knowing full well the enemy was angry.
I have been sick since my first week here in Thailand. Yesterday I went to the hospital. My body aches. My chest is tight. I can’t stop coughing. I’m weak. For that matter, I don’t think the first word to come to anyone’s mind after taking a glance at my petite 90 pound, 5 ft frame has ever been “strength.” Ever since I can remember, I have lived shackled by weakness. In high school, I was the girl with the immune system that seemed to have just given up. My system acted as if it had forgotten how to fight, but now that I think about it, so had I. On any given day it was guaranteed that I would have some type of complaint related to my physical well being. I struggled with the shame of feeling like people discredited my medical reports because of their frequency.
“There’s always something wrong with you.”
And while my complaints about how I felt day to day were truly not made up, my drive to persevere was the thing that had ceased to exist. Shutting down when I didn’t feel well became a habit. Long standing healing seemed unattainable. I accepted weakness as a lifestyle.
And then I went to training camp. My world began to shift as God revealed the authority and power that came from the Holy Spirit residing in my heart. I knew I would never have these traits on my own, but God opened my eyes to see that they were available to me as I pressed into His character. I begin to claim power in the spiritual. I then heard this promise from Him, “What is true in the spiritual will become true in your physical.”
That night God healed me of asthma (what I am now diagnosing as oppression sitting on my lungs.) I inhaled my first deep breath since I can remember. And war began.
I don’t know what I was expecting that night. Complete healing from all ailments? I was pretty content with the fact I could breathe fully. But in the days following, as I began to again fall prey to sickness in other areas of my body, I became zealous to see my promise answered. How can it be that I am here in Thailand claiming authority, power, and strength right and left in the spiritual realm, interceding for people’s souls, and declaring this place as His territory, and yet I’m missing days of ministry because I’m so weak and easily fatigued?
I have to learn endurance. I am walking in complete faith right now. I don’t have the sight that comes with tangible healing yet. This doesn’t mean healing won’t occur, but God has brought me into a season of growth and perseverance. Hebrews 12:10-11 says: “But God’s discipline is always good for us, so that we might share in His holiness. No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening- it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.”
So today, in between English classes, I sat in the break room crying and feeling absolutely miserable as my teammates prayed over me. The plan was for me to sit out of the next class and rest. I felt too achy and dizzy to do much, but I followed my team mates into the class and sat down quietly. I turned to Ephesians and read this verse, “I pray that from His glorious, unlimited resources He will empower you with inner strength through His Spirit.” (3:16) It was then that I looked up and heard my teammates teaching the classroom Jesus Loves Me…. “they are weak, but He is strong.” I felt God say to me, “Stand up.”
I stood. Knowing full well the enemy was angry.
When the song finished, I took the microphone and, with the strength that comes only from the Spirit, led the kids who wanted to experience the love of Jesus in their hearts in a prayer of salvation. My body felt heavy and dizziness threatened my stance, but each breath I took and each word I spoke came from the Father and the Father alone.
I walk in faith during this season as I wait for the authority claimed in the spiritual to be true in the physical. But in the mean time, I have a choice of how I respond, how I persevere, how I endure.
Today I heard a song by Amanda Cook and the lyrics say, “What you make of this moment changes everything. What if the path you choose becomes a road.” Hebrews 12 ends by saying, “So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees. Mark out a straight path for your feet so that those who are weak and lame will not fall but become strong.” (12:12-13) Whether it’s a “road” or a “straight path,” it’s all the same to me. A war has begun. And today I took another step towards healing.
