The night before training camp, our Squad Mentor Sam shared with us a word God had given her for our squad.
She expressed that God had everything for us on this journey, and that it was available to us if we sought it out.
In the moment, it didn’t mean much to me. The ambiguity left me confused and unsure of how it had anything to do with me. However, two days ago during listening prayer, God revealed to me the truth about everything.
I have sought you with all my heart
Psalms 119:58
As I meditated on this verse, God laid these words on my heart.
Seek me, and you will find healing. Everything is what I have for you. Everything is what I ask from you. Holes will be permanently filled.
I realized that I struggled with giving the Lord all of my heart. Sure, it’s easy to give him the pieces of me that look good on a resume, but what about the pieces of me that I don’t like to talk about?
In The Gift of Being Yourself, David Benner writes:
Christian Spirituality involves acknowledging all our part-selves, exposing them to God’s love and letting him weave them into the new person he is making.
To truly know something about yourself, you must accept it. Even things about yourself that you most deeply want to change must first be accepted – even embraced. Self-transformation is always preceded by self-acceptance. And the self that you must accept is the self that you actually and truly are – before you start your self-improvement projects!
If God is to give me everything he has for me, I must give him everything. Even the pieces that are ugly, broken, or undesirable. Hidden, they have the power to influence me, but in the light, God can heal me.
This week has brought me to the place where my strength has failed. I’ve realized that there is no place for my broken self to hide – no wi-fi, no tv, no cellphone. I hate the feeling. Last night, I couldn’t hold it together anymore. I sat and stared at my journal in frustration because I didn’t want to go where my devotional was taking me. I thought I could find solace in a letter from a family member back home, but to no avail. One last ditch effort led me to a letter from a dear friend, Emily. In the letter she expressed how crazy for me God was. She talked about how intentional and precise He is, and I couldn’t help but realize all He had set in motion in my life. I was caught up in the waves of His love.
At the end, she shared this verse:
Even before we were born, before the world was made, God loved us and chose us to be holy without fault in His eyes.
Ephesians 1:4
Instantly, tears came rushing down my face. God spoke, almost audibly, and said.
I’m right here.
Really God? Even my – Yes. What about that time I – Yes. Even when I don´t feel – Yes.
I have everything for you. Give it all to me.
