On One Condition…

We are nearing the end of month 7 and I’ve
started to feel like it’s been enough time here on the race and I wouldn’t mind
going home. Perhaps this is the time when most racers experience a dwindling of
excitement for this crazy adventure given the abnormal, like 50 hour bus rides
and pulling bug larvae out of my toes, is now normal. But for me I know these
recent feelings, whether typical at this point in the race or not, also have a
lot to do with my team.  The unique and often challenging community setting is a big part of the World Race and one of the ways we are radically transformed.  We each say
we want more, more intimacy, more boldness, more transformation, but no one is
putting their desires into action – including me.  Yes, I’ve gotten more
bold in speaking up. I bring honest truth hoping others will do the same for me
in return because I know there are some hard things I need to hear.  But getting
feedback rarely happens and I get discouraged. 

I read emails from home from friends
who care about me, ask great questions, want to pray for me.  I compare my
community at home with my community here on the race and ask why doesn’t my
team love each other this way?  Why are we not invested in each
other?  It didn’t take me long to acknowledge I’m still extremely
selfish.  I say I care for the team and I
desire growth, but when others don’t desire the same I withdraw and withhold my
love and my sacrifice.  I can’t believe
I’m just realizing this now, but it looks like God put me on an independent and
often selfish team to break me of my conditional love and
sacrifice.  My growth these last 4 months
is going to require loving when it is hard, pursing those I don’t easily
connect with, sacrifice always (especially when others don’t).  This sounds impossible and even miserable but
that’s where I need to get with God; to the point where the seemingly
impossible is possible with His help; to the point where I need to rely on Him
to push onto greatness for my team and for myself.