Yesterday I had a conversation with a friend that pricked my heart and made me think about some of the struggles that I have been having with community from a different perspective. Since I have had conversations with a variety of different individuals about this topic over the last several months I thought that it would be worth it to share what I learned in a blog post.
Man is not an island…
When I was on the race this was obvious. It is obviously a challenge to live every moment or every day with the same group of 5 to 6 individuals. Everything that you do or don’t do has an impact on your teammates in a positive or negative way and that is impossible to ignore. The challenges of community and working out interpersonal conflict was something we were constantly taught about and discussing on our teams. How are we working together and how can we work together better were questions we considered often. On a personal level we were encouraged to practice self-awareness and recognize the impact that we had on the rest of the team through our actions, our attitudes and the things we were holding back when God was telling us to surrender.
This message – that authentic community requires sacrifice – was coupled with the understanding that the world doesn’t need lone rangers making little dents, it needs motivated teams of individuals working together to advance and hold new ground. If there was an interpersonal issue within a team then it needed to be worked out because until there was resolution that team’s effectiveness was compromised. My own team witnessed this happening first hand in Africa when the communication broke down between us and impacted our ministry to the point where we had a contact refuse to allow us to continue working until we sat down and worked it out. When one person has a problem it doesn’t just impact them in isolation – it impacts everyone around them.
Community is a STRUGGLE.
Coming home I anticipated that community might be a challenge after finding such depth and intimacy within my World Race team but I assumed that it was a challenge I would quickly overcome. After all I didn’t have to live 24/7 with anyone at church so that would probably make community a lot easier in the long run. What I found out rather quickly was that a lot of things had changed within me and within the church I grew up in while I was away. I also found out that I was definitely not the only one struggling with finding a place to fit inside of all of the changes.
During that time of transition there was a lot of teaching and encouragement being given to plug into community and be involved. The benefits of working together as a close knit community was the goal and the focus behind that push. Having lived in the kind of close community that we were being taught about I could absolutely nod and say amen to that. Living in close community with other Christians is amazing, powerful and necessary. The thing is without even realizing that I was doing it I forgot how hard, stressful, offensive and just downright painful genuine, authentic community actually can be. I went in looking for automatic end results – getting frustrated and disillusioned in the process – without recognizing that at its core community is actually a genuine struggle.
It is hard to relate to other imperfect people – whether you live with them 24/7 or not – and to do so effectively actually requires that we sacrifice our rights and come face to face with our selfishness. Nothing about community is easy it is a guaranteed challenge from day one and it is not about getting your individual needs met. Sometimes it is easy to forget that community is a challenge when we focus only on the benefits that come from it because our focus begins to rest too heavily upon the blessings we’re going to see in our lives. In those moments it is crucial to remember that some blessings come to us at the end of a long hard battle that requires us to give up things we have considered rights and have held onto for far too long. The heart of blessing within community is often born inside a struggle.
Community is not supposed to be EASY.
The conversation I eluded to at the beginning of this reflection was with a friend of mine who was recently married. I asked her what life was like now that she was married. Her reply was both insightful and poignant. She explained that although she was really happy within her marriage and didn’t regret it for a second it was also a heavier weight than she expected it to be. She explained herself further saying “it has revealed lots of sin in my heart, and selfishness. It brings me to the cross quite a lot.” Her words sat heavy on my heart and made me ponder the ways that our deepest relationships draw out the poison in our hearts and tend to reveal the broken, dirty and disgraceful places of our lives.
It’s not an accident that my friend is finding that her new marriage is revealing sin and selfishness in her heart – she’s not a bad person or a poor sap who married the wrong person – marriage is like that by design. It’s meant to challenge and to shape us to become more like Christ as we learn to sacrifice for and love another person above ourselves. I don’t believe that that kind of thing is isolated just to marriage relationships revealing sin and selfishness in our lives is also one of the primary goals of Christian community. That is not an easy thing to submit to and it is not a quick process – real authentic community with depth and insight is a process that takes time and effort to develop.
When the Honeymoon Ends…
The thing is we as Christians often go into the church with an idea that community is going to be a honeymoon and not a marriage. We go looking for the warmth of fellowship and close friends or the blessings of being able to worship together collectively and have other people praying for you. We go in expecting to find people who will love us and stand with us and fight for us…. And all of that stuff is there – it is part of the package but it’s not the whole meal deal. Marriage is more than a honeymoon trip to Hawaii and community is much more than a pleasant social support network you can have fun with on a Friday night.
When the shimmer wears off we can sometimes find ourselves frustrated, feeling lonely, struggling with interpersonal relationships, feeling misunderstood, unappreciated or not seen, we may run up against offenses and disagreements, we may get overlooked or feel left out, we may find out that there are a few people we genuinely don’t like and always seem to get stuck with… A great many trials and challenges can come up as a result of being a part of community and all of them are a natural part of the process of learning to become more like Christ. If we don’t embrace those things and recognize them as vehicles of blessing and transformation in our lives then we run the risk of becoming disillusioned, bitter and frustrated.
Take Heart & Walk Humbly.
So… if you’re struggling with community take heart because you’re definitely not alone. Community is hard – it was designed that way! Breathe deep, relax and go to God with an open heart ready and willing for him to mould you into the person that he has created you to be. Keep in mind that all of the great things we always hear about community are just as real as the challenges and at the end of the day, despite the many challenges, community actually is worth every effort that you will put into it.
Acts 2: 44-47
44 All who believed were together and held everything in common, 45 and they began selling their property and possessions and distributing the proceeds to everyone, as anyone had need. 46 Every day they continued to gather together by common consent in the temple courts, breaking bread from house to house, sharing their food with glad and humble hearts, 47 praising God and having the good will of all the people. And the Lord was adding to their number every day those who were being saved.
