Yesterday when something was genuinely bothering me (something that has been eating away at me for a while now) I took matters into my own hands and I did something about it.
At the time I felt certain that this was exactly what I needed to do. After all isn’t that the way we’re taught to handle things? Don’t just sit by, be upset and allow the world to walk over you – get up, take action and do something. I did that…
In the midst of feeling a bit bewildered (Oh crap… I can’t believe I actually just followed through!) and simultaneously quite excited (That was SO brave!) God’s voice cut in and spoke to me about something I missed completely. In my mad scramble to be bold and honest and take action I forgot that maybe God actually had something to say to me about it. I skipped over the reflecting and asking God to reveal insight into the situation part and went right into actively seeking to “fix” a problem on my own terms.
Without sounding like a Carrie Underwood song what God showed me was that I didn’t trust him to be in control. I needed to let go…
My instructor would call this kind of God interruption/repeating of a past life lesson a ‘pop quiz’. I failed this one… but I still got the point.
Trust.
The test that I failed had to do with my fear and my inability to believe that God loved someone that I love as much as I do. The truth is he loves that person even more than I ever could love them. I became possessive, protective and controlling because God said “Let go and step back – I want to bring in a few other people to demonstrate my love and my compassion for them. I’m bringing in new voices and new perspectives to shift things.”
Instead of feeling really excited about that I panicked… You’re taking away my control? I’ve worked so hard and poured out so much of my time, my life, my energy and now you’re just taking it away? What if these new people don’t know what they’re doing? What if they mess things up? What if they don’t care as much as I do? What if they change things?
I can’t let that happen God! This is MUCH too important.
So feeling nervous, agitated, extremely stressed and worried out of my mind about what might happen next I stopped listening to God. It wasn’t something that I necessarily did on purpose but as my negative response rose up it drowned out my ability to hear God clearly.
So with ears blocked up by fear and agitation I took matters into my own hands and I did something about it.
In the aftermath as I struggled with conflicting emotions about what I had done – the triumph and the tragedy of it all – God drew me close. With words that not only brought conviction but relief and validation he reminded me of who he is and of the way that he loves.
We serve a God who is completely trustworthy.
We serve a God who loves us perfectly and never gives up on us.
We serve a God whose logic often doesn’t match our own but is always accurate and good.
We serve a God who is in control and that means that the very best thing we could ever do is yield to him, trust and obey.
At the end of the day I reacted rashly.
I was a bit of an idiot and that’s frustrating because I try so hard to have everything in my life perfectly together – especially when it comes to interpersonal stuff. But at the exact same time failure doesn’t define who I am or what I am worth.
Through this entire pop quiz – succeed or fail – God looks at me and he beams with pride, love and acceptance. That in and of itself is a valid reason to give him control.
Psalm 37:23-24
The Lord makes firm the steps
of the one who delights in him;
24 though he may stumble, he will not fall,
for the Lord upholds him with his hand.
