Im in introvert. Which, to anyone who knows me can see how true that really is. I don’t like to be around people for long periods of time. I get refreshed by being alone in solitude. I would rather stay home and read a book then go out to a social event. When I did have to go socialize it was met with dread and wondering how I could leave quietly. I would find a corner and people watch. Cause I love observing people, not actually talking to them. I find the cat at the party and have a new best friend! Lol but really, I love being alone. Or at least I used to. At the beginning of the race I would literally spend hours in my tent by myself. I never spent time with anyone, and when I did my thoughts were “when can I go back to my tent?” I didn’t go out of my way to talk to people on my squad that I barley knew. I didn’t even make an effort to get to know my own team. Part of me wanted to get to know my teammates, but the shy, introverted side of me said stay in your tent. Even in ministry I only spoke up if I was asked to. I had many moments when I would cry at the end of the day because I had been around so many people for hours on end it physically exhausted me.
Living in that kind of solitude made me become depressed, because I was so caught up in my own private reality. I craved friendship, but was scared of rejection. What if people think I’m weird? What if people think I’m rude because I’m sarcastic(and used to be condescending if we are being honest). I had so many reasons I would justify to myself why being alone was best. I had a deep rooted fear of rejection. When people asked why I was always alone by myself I would simply say, ” I’m an introvert, I like to be alone.” Yes that was true to a point, but the enemy used all my insecurities to keep me hidden from the world.
When I was in Vietnam, depressed more then ever before, and at rock bottom, I had to take a hard look at myself. I saw all the ugly parts of me. All my crap came to the surface. I reached a point were I couldn’t be alone anymore because my depression was so bad. In Cambodia, the month after Vietnam, God made me into a new person. Or more like he finally started stripping away all the things about myself that were not how he created me. One of the things he changed in me was my need to be alone. Before when I needed my “introvert time” I needed to be in a room with no one around. I had to be completely alone. Now I can be in a room with my team, put my headphones in, and have refreshing “introvert time.” For the first time in my life I don’t WANT to be alone. I want to be around people. Yes I still enjoy taking it easy. Curling up alone to read a book. Or just chill and watch a movie. But that need is NOTHING compared to what it used to be. By being around people more I have so much Joy! God is changing so many things in my heart that I am a joyful person now. Not someone who needs to hide away from civilization as much as possible. Many of my squad mates have told me I’m more of an extrovert then I think. I’m starting to see that. I don’t want to rip my hair out at the end of the day because I have spent the whole day surrounded by people. I have learned that I actually love people. Now I haven’t changed so much that I’m this loud crazy person, who has to be around people 24/7, but I have discovered my voice. In months 1-4 each country the ministry hosts would always comment on how quiet I was. In each country the locals would give us names in their native language. The name they gave me always meant quiet. Some people even said I was the quietest person they have ever met. Since Cambodia, month 5, no one has said I’m quiet. That’s because I actually talk now. And I laugh! Oh how I cackle lol yea cackle cause what comes of out my mouth isn’t a normal sound sometimes haha I have this joy that is shining because I’m letting God mold me into a new woman. Into an extroverted introvert. I still analyze everything deeply. I still recharge from quiet time. I prefer relaxing over crazy adventure(most of the time), but I don’t need to be alone anymore. There is this phrase called FOMO- Fear Of Missing Out. Being someone that always wanted to be alone I had never heard of this till it was mentioned by someone on my squad and I had to ask what it meant. People joke around that it was an “extrovert problem” because extroverts don’t want to miss out on anything. They want to do everything and go everywhere. Well, I think sometimes I have that FOMO feeling. For the first time I don’t want to hang back all the time. A little adventure is ok. It’s crazy to me when I look back on my life and see how much I missed out on because I was so insecure I craved isolation. I hated who I was so I didn’t want others to see me. Now that I’m learning to love my crazy weirdness I want to live “extrovertly.” I want to live wild and free while being confident in the woman God has made me.
