Warning: this blog is raw. It’s real. It’s not pretty, but has redemption.
I haven’t posted lately because I didn’t know how to say what has been going on with me and my heart. It’s not glamorous, it’s an ugly truth. These past two months have been some of the hardest times in my life, but Gods strength always pulls me up.
Going into month three I felt my heart start to slip from God. I felt myself start to pull away. I was being focused on my relationship back home. I also was hating the ministry we were in. I was having a hard time loving the work we were doing. I knew the work we were doing was for God and the kingdom, but I didn’t want to do it. I wanted to leave. The more I distanced myself from God the more depressed I became. A deep depression started to wash over me and I let myself slowly sink. I lived in the situations around me and let them get to me. Having ants crawl on me while I slept on the floor. Waking up with a toad next to my bed. Living in a house with teenagers(which is the hardest age group for me to connect and minister to). Our food was awful, don’t worry it got better. All the little things that bothered me I took to heart and let them break me down. Outwardly I put on the smile that everything was ok. When it was time to do weekly checking I said I was great, when honestly I was hating life. To make matter worse I was sick off and on. I felt like my world was crashing so I ran to the one comfort I knew, my relationship back home.
Then came Vietnam, month 4. My desire to go home was stronger then ever. My relationship with God felt none existent, and my relationship back home was becoming my idol. I stopped reading my bible because I had developed so many questions and doubts. I wasn’t sure what I believed anymore or what I was doing. Depression kept sinking me deeper and deeper. This whole time I never opened up to my team about my feelings. My plan was to make arrangements to go home because that’s all I wanted to do. I wanted to go be with the person I loved. Then I felt my world crash around me.
My relationship ended. Now all I had was myself, the anger, grief, and hopelessness I felt. I was utterly lost. Everything I held dear was gone, my health was crap, I was struggling with my faith. Nothing else could go wrong. All I wanted to do was run. Run to the world for comfort. I wanted to drink and forget the pain I was feeling. I felt like I wanted to die to be completely honest. My heart, body, mind, and spirit were broken. I spent hours, crying on the shower floor, then laying there numb wondering what’s the point of it all. If this is life I don’t want it. If this is what happened when I let someone love me and they leave me I don’t want it. I have never felt that low in my life. In the hours I spent crying I decided to go home. I then told my team everything. How I was feeling, and they held my hand through it all. They spoke wisdom into me, prayed for me, held me while I cried. They reached into the water that was sinking me and began to pull me up. I was grateful for the support my teammates were showing. I felt like I was a burden though. If I stayed I would have to bring all my issues and crap into a new team. I didn’t want that. How could I pour into others when I was such a mess myself. That in itself is a lie but I was choosing to believe it. So I emailed the leader and said I’m ready to go home. They encouraged me to go to debrief and meet up with the leaders and squad to talk about things before I go. So, long story short, and lots of prayer, encouragement from my teammates, and wisdom from friends, I am staying on the race. If I go home I will just go back to booze, boys, and my relationship with God will die. I have a chance to fully surrender myself to God and let him fix my broken heart. To forever change me and mold me. And I’m choosing him. I’m choosing life. Darkness you were my old friend. That creeps up time and time again, but we are done. Depression you no longer have a hold on my life. The worldly desires I wanted to seek out are no longer an option. If I’m going to break this cycle in my life I have to start now. As much as it hurts to face the pain I’m feeling if I don’t give it to God and deal with it then it will fester. I have a hard time being loved. I’m finally in a place surrounded by people that love me and all I want to do is run from it. At least that’s what I WANTED to do. Now that I’m out of the water climbing to shore I want to lay in the sun and soak in the love. I want to feel warmth again, the warmth that others and God have to offer me.
Going forward this is going to be a hard journey. I’m going to let God be my strength. He wanted me on the race for a reason so I’m finally fully stepping into it. Thank you to everyone that had kept me in their prayers.
