For those of you who didn’t know me several years ago, or even a year ago, the above statement probably would have shocked you to hear coming from my mouth.
Getting married was one of those things I longed for more than anything. To the point where I spent years begging God to bring me a husband SOON or else I might just die!
I realize that’s a bit dramatic but that is exactly how I often felt.
I was so consumed with getting married that it led to severe depression when the fear that it might never happen invaded my thoughts. Thankfully, God dealt with that fear while I was on the World Race.
The other day I was sitting with God looking out at a beautiful lake, when I felt Him prompting me with questions that were meant to dig deeper into this area of my life.
Basically through that conversation I came to the realization that perhaps the desire was not mine to begin with, but was projected onto me through societal pressures. I wanted to get married because women who weren’t were “pitied.”
Truth is God never promised me He would bring me a husband. He only promised that He would be my Husband and that He would fulfill me.
I used to think my purpose in life was to be a wife and mother and when those things didn’t happen in my timing I began to question God’s goodness and even His love for me. I questioned the reason for my existence. My identity and worth were hanging on my relationship status… and since I didn’t have anyone, I felt unworthy, unnoticed, unwanted and unloved.
My first problem was that I was looking to man to prove otherwise those things I was wondering about, instead of God. My second problem was that I was allowing the enemy and the opinions of others to fill my heart with anxiety. I thought there was something wrong with me.
God used my time on the race to rip away a lot of those fears and lies I had bought into. He taught me how to press into Him during those intense moments of loneliness. He showed me how to receive His love and joy. He taught me what it looked like to be fulfilled in Him. He shook me and screamed truths at me until they finally started to sink in and I started to scream them myself (sometimes standing on a chair!)
It may have taken a while but I can finally say this with full confidence; I am finally content with being single. I am finally okay with the idea that I might never get married. I might still desire it at times, but it’s no longer necessary to make me happy. Because I’ve learned that marriage or a man’s affections aren’t what’s going to satisfy me… so I no longer expect them to. Jesus is more than enough to fulfill all my needs and desires. The trick is letting Him. His affections are what satisfy us and give us worth and purpose. I’m thankful that God did not give in to my demands and bring me a husband before realizing this truth, because I might never have known the sweetness and fierceness of His love for me. I might never have seen the ways He was pursuing me. I would have been distracted and missed it.
Through my struggle I learned that it’s okay to question God. It’s okay to tell Him you’re disappointed. It’s okay to be angry and frustrated with Him at times. Trust me, God is not offended. If anything He is broken with you. Our God is a compassionate and sympathetic God!!! (Hebrews 4:15 & Psalm 103:8) He only longs to heal your brokenness and fill you with His marvelous love.
So if you’re single and struggling with it, know this:
You are wanted because He desires you like crazy.
You are worthy of love, but it’s HIS love that will truly fulfill you. Not another person’s. Their love will fail you but His never will.
Hebrews 13:5 – “For God has said, “I will never fail you. I will never abandon you.”
You are NOT alone.
You are noticed… He sees you. Every tear you cry does not pass by Him unnoticed.
Psalm 56:8 – “You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.”
Stop listening to the lies of the enemy. There is nothing wrong with you. You are not forgotten and you are not without hope or purpose.
Seek Him. He is faithful.
Psalm 145:16 – “You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing.”
His hand is open to satisfy you, to give you peace through this struggle. All that He’s asking is that you now open your hand to Him. Will you open your hand and lay down your expectations? Will you open your hand and let Him fulfill you? He’s anxiously waiting to hear from you. And it’s okay if you prefer to scream at Him. God would rather you be screaming at Him than to ignore or avoid Him completely.
Go now.
