"I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life so that you and your children may live. And that you may love the Lord your God, listen to His voice, and hold fast to Him. For the Lord is your life.” –Deuteronomy 30:19-20
The first three months of the race the words spoken over me was that I was fierce and that I had a voice and was encouraged to use it. The next three months the words spoken over me was that I was worth fighting for. Month six God began to show me that He was going to train me and teach me how to fight for myself.
Going into month nine He placed me on a team of people whom I knew would not pursue me as much as my previous teams did. At first I was nervous but God made it clear to me, “your last teams showed you that you were worth fighting for. This final team of your race will not pursue you in the same ways as your last teams. Then, the pursuing was necessary. But now it is necessary for you to start making the decision for yourself instead of allowing others to decide for you. You can no longer wait for others to pursue you and talk you into fighting for yourself. You MUST decide and choose to believe for yourself that you are worthy of fighting for and then fight!”
In month 6 God spoke to me through Psalms 18 about training me for the battle. Well Cambodia was it. The battle was on. This was the month that I would be challenged to put into practice all God had taught me and “trained” me for over the past 9 months. My determination to form a new habit of choosing joy and truth and renounce the lies that had been spoken over me in my life started in Thailand but this month I really began to press into it, making it a daily ritual. I was destroying the work of the enemy over my life. I was saying no to the enemy and yes to God. And well, he clearly didn’t like that and saw an opportunity to trip me.
I had conflict with a teammate. In my pain I had said some really hurtful things to someone I care deeply about. Sean Smith, from AIM, said at our month 4 debrief 
that “wounded people wound others.” And that is exactly what I did. I acted out of my wounding and wounded a friend. My first temptation was to retreat away from my team and isolate myself in my anger and shame. So I spent the entire next day “checking out.” I stayed in bed, didn’t go to ministry, didn’t go to any of the meals… I was avoiding the problem. I was embarrassed by how I had let my emotions take over. I was ashamed for how I had hurt this person, yet again. I kept expecting the team to come to me and “force” me to deal with this unresolved conflict but no one did. I spent the day talking to God and finding myself growing more frustrated and depressed. I kept hearing God say, “no one is going to do that, because it’s time for you to make the choice. Are you going to do what you know you need to without prompting from anyone else? Fight for yourself! Fight for your team! Do not let the enemy win!”
Just a few days before this all happened I had been consistently choosing life and now here I was spiraling downward into another pit and I couldn’t stand it. I suddenly realized I am no longer comfortable just sitting in my crap. I knew it was only because of the truth that had been spoken over me these past 10 months and how much God has changed me. He is changing the way I think and even the way I feel, breaking me free from my old destructive behaviors and ways of thinking.
So I went to my teammate and apologized. Through that I learned that choosing life and fighting for oneself doesn’t just mean always trying to be right and justify your actions. It's also fighting for others. It's fighting and choosing to be obedient to God and walk in agreement with Him even when it's humbling and hard.
Yet even after reconciling with my teammate, I struggled a lot with feeling ugly. Not ugly on the outside, but ugly on the inside. I hated that my team and even others on my squad have had to see my “ugly side.” I felt exposed, and I wanted to run away and hide.
I had another choice to make. Succumb to condemnation and beat myself up for my mistakes, or choose to belief the truth that I am not my sin. My ugly side or sinful nature isn’t who I am. My sin does not define me, and what others think of me because of my “ugly” does not define who I am either. Christ, and Christ alone, defines who I am. And I am choosing to believe that I am beautiful – inside – and out because He says I am. I am a daughter of the king, and I am loved. I am wanted, and I am pleasant. I am choosing to believe those truths even if they don’t always feel true, or if the actions of others seem to say otherwise.
I’m thankful my friend had grace on me and forgave me. It gave me such a clear
picture of the grace God has on all of us. Psalms 130:4-5 says “if You oh Lord kept a record of sins oh Lord who could stand, but with You there is forgiveness therefore You are feared.” If it weren’t for the forgiveness and grace of my God and my squad mates, I could not have stood for this long.
So to all my squadmates and to those who particularly have been on a team with me, thank you so much for fighting for me and with me. Thank you for all the grace, love and forgiveness you have bestowed upon me this past year. I could not have kept standing without your support and probably would have given up a long time ago. God has used you mightily in my life.
It's no coincidence that I'm finishing my race on a team named Redemption. God is bringing redemption to my heart and to my life. And it's a beautiful thing.
Video blog of Cambodia coming soon!
