I’m about to get real vulnerable with all of you. It’s a taboo subject, among Christians and non-christians alike. I have struggled with depression – and yes, suicidal thoughts – for most of my life. There was a season right after I became a Christian – I call it the honeymoon period – where I didn’t seem to struggle with it as bad as I used to… but about 7 years after I received Christ, it got a lot worse. In all honesty, my depression felt darker and deeper than I had ever experienced. I would cry myself to sleep at night on a daily basis begging God to heal me or take my life – because I just couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t take the lies, I couldn’t take the wretched hopelessness. I thought I would never be free. It was a spiritual oppression I just couldn’t seem to find victory over no matter how much I prayed.
In the book “Spiritual Slavery to Spiritual Sonship” there is a story about a man who was on a boat during a storm and was stuck on the bow of the ship. His lifeline that kept him from being washed overboard had gotten tangled and he was literally frozen in fear of unsnapping it in order to run to the safety and warmth of the cabin. Hypothermia was beginning to set in and he was coming to terms with the idea of dying, when he heard the voice of God the Father shouting at him to “LIVE!” He heard this three times before he finally let go and ran to safety.
In the same way I’ve been hearing the Father shouting at me to “FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!” Fight for myself and not give up.
One night at debrief while my entire squad was in Nairobi, Kenya hanging out and taking a break from ministry, my team leader Hugh got a vision for me. It was a picture of a road that diverged into two separate roads. There were two signs. One sign, which read “Retreat,” led one way. The other sign, which read “Risk,” led the other. Retreat lead to nothing but darkness. Risk lead to a rainbow. I felt God saying to me, “You are at a crossroads in your life. Continue to choose the way of retreat and you will spiral deeper into darkness and depression. Or take the riskier route and find freedom and deliverance.”
This morning at church I gave a word of encouragement about never giving up on praying. The devil wants us to be discouraged. He wants us to think that God isn’t listening or doesn’t care. He wants us to stop praying and silence us with doubts and fear and hopelessness. I prayed for over two years for God to heal me and deliver me of depression. There were times when I thought I’d never be free…there were times when I thought God wasn’t listening or that it was my “fate” to suffer this way. But as my teammate Jill put it, “we don’t have a fate, we have a destiny in Christ! And it’s a good destiny.” As I was sharing, I read the story of the persistent widow from Luke 18 at church.
“One day Jesus told his disciples a story to show that they should always pray and never give up.” Vs. 1
The woman in this story persisted in her requests over and over until she got what she was asking for.
Will He keep putting them off? I tell you, He will grant justice to them quickly!” vs 7-8
I shared with my team last month that the world race is a lot like rehab. It’s an 11 month program that forces you to leave your family, friends and all your comforts back home. You are forced to deal with your “junk”…there is no quitting, giving up, or going home. You find healing and freedom over things you never thought you would. Sometimes you go on the race willingly…sometimes against your will.
It was God’s idea who first put it on my heart to go on the World Race. After much resistance, and excuses, I finally surrendered my will and applied. There have been times before the race and even on the race where all I wanted was to give up and go home… The “withdraws” of my destructive habits and ways of thinking were being stripped from me. God made it clear to me “you’re not going home, you’re not quitting. I love you too much to allow you to continue running from your problems. You and I are going to finally deal with this…and you’re going to be free.”
All those years that I cried out to God to heal me of my depression and to set me free from suicidal thoughts, God revealed to me that His bringing me on the race was the answer to those prayers. Since being on the race I have been challenged to fight for myself, I have experienced breakthrough after breakthrough in my thought life, and God has given me strength and a will to fight off the lies of the enemy.
The world race really is like rehab… I started the race living a defeated Christian life… but I am going to finish this race victorious.
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