This is my story.
(To those who know me, I'll be using a pseudonym for you know who. To my squad, you'll know more in time.)
I'll call her Summer. Don't most great stories revolve around a girl? This one does. I'm calling her Summer because our most favorite movie was 500 Days of Summer starring Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
My intent is not to give the entire detailed story, but give background info and highlight main points. I can't emphasize enough that this is a raw testimony of how I came to Christ and the rollercoaster after.
If you're interested in listening to the playlist I'm listening to while writing, it might add to the mood: Playlist
I met Summer back in December of 2009 while working as a waiter at O'Charley's. She started working as a hostess. She was 5'5", black shoulder length hair, dark brown eyes. She was 1/8th Thai. You couldn't really tell. She was very beautiful, nonetheless. My first opinion of her was that she was a snobby bitch, stemming from witnessing her being very friendly and open. I didn't have much experience with people filled with the Spirit until this point, I didn't know what to make of it. After a mere few days of working with her, she landed a great impression on me, which turned into light flirtation in passing. She was kind to me, went out of her way to help me. No woman, aside from my mother, has done anything for me unconditionally until then. In January of 2010, she put in her 2 weeks because her other job was paying her better. It took the entire 2 weeks for me to muster up the courage to ask her out on a date. When I did, she said yes. Our first date went very well, dinner and a movie. From there, we continued to hang out regularly at her house or my house as we got to know each other more intimately. She explained to me about Christianity and her testimony with it, then invited me to church. I loved it at her church, even though I labeled myself an atheist. I agreed to go, and continued to go, to spend more time with Summer.
One evening in March of 2010, we were having a conversation on Facebook about sex. I don't really remember how it was brought up or what was said until Summer said this, "I should really tell you something about me… I was raped in college, twice." Never have I ever interacted with a rape victim before. I felt like I needed to walk on eggshells. I thought, "what do I say?" "What am I not allowed to say?" "What can I do?" Then I asked her if her being raped still affects her, and her response was no. A few days later we were over at her place watching a movie. We had gotten to the point in our friendship that we were comfortable with just cuddling, and nothing else. Suddenly she seemed upset, looked to me and said "I want to go take a nap, join me?" "Sure", I replied. As we were laying in her bed, she looked at me and asked, "do you remember when you asked me if I'm still affected by… you know?" I said, "yes." And after a few moments of tears welling up in her eyes, she broke down sobbing and saying "it still affects me." I felt crushed. This precious, beautiful, daughter of God was violated and essentially tortured. My heart was in pieces. I held her close and whispered, "I'll never let anything like that happen to you." Her overwhelming emotion took over and she kissed me. For an hour we rolled around kissing, cuddling and chatting. Stargazed with lust. She made it explicitly clear that she was not interested in dating, but was perfectly fine with friends with benefits. Later that night we ended up attempting sex. Before it even started, she rolled over and starting shaking in the fetal position. She got up, got dressed and went into the bathroom to vomit. Later she explained that she had a problem jumping into bed with practically any guy that will give her the time of day. And that afterwards, she would go into the bathroom to vomit in disgust of herself. She wanted to break that cycle, and she was determined to break that cycle with me. We decided it was best for both of us to continue as friends, without benefits.
Summer and I became best friends so quickly, spending every available moment together. We clicked. We jived. We talked about life and music and art and Christianity. She introduced me to guys who have helped shape me into the Godly man I am today. Summer and I were inseparable, for a while at least. Prior to meeting me, she had applied to and got accepted for Mission Year. Mission Year is a year long missionary program, much like World Race, except she would stay in a poverty ridden neighborhood somewhere in the U.S. for a year doing ministry with neighbors and serving the community. She was leaving August, 2010 for Atlanta, GA. And at this point, I found myself really falling for her. I was falling in love with Summer, and I desperately wanted to be with her.
On a Saturday in July of 2010, I was sitting at my computer doing something nerdy when I get a text from Summer informing me she was off work and going for a drink with a girl from work. I thought nothing of it, of course. Throughout the night she kept texting me, and I could tell she was getting drunk. She asked me to pick her up at 1:00 AM because she was in no condition to drive. At 12:30 I left to go pick her up, and arrive at 1:00 AM. I text her to let her know I'm there. 10 minutes later, no answer. I text again, 10 minutes later no answer. I call her, and she picks up. I said, "I'm here, let's go." And she replies, "I don't want to go! Why are you trying to ruin my fun!" From then she started crying, as her friend took her phone and ordered me to go home because I'm not wanted there. The phone hung up. I hear laughter across the parking lot, and I see Summer with a group of people walking out of the restaurant. I had never felt so much rage coursing through my system until this point. The woman that I loved was not at the bar that night. The Summer I was talking to was this new person I've never met, nor would ever want to know. I peeled out of the parking lot, and raced down the interstate for the 30 minute drive home. Once I got home, I sat at my computer unable to sleep. Infuriated. Worried. I spent the whole night thinking of every possible ending to that night for Summer. The next morning, which happened to be Sunday, I was getting ready for church. Summer and I carpooled to church every Sunday at this point. Being stubborn, and still angry, I waited until the last possible moment to text her and see if she was awake yet. No answer. I called, no answer. Called again, nothing. At this point I grew fairly concerned. On the way to church I drove by her place, her car wasn't there and she wasn't home. I decided to drive by the bar she was at, to see if her car was there. Nope. At this point, I was very worried. I called the two major local hospitals seeing if they had a patient named Summer Suchnsuch. No luck. I got to church, her car wasn't there. I walked into church and just sat down, thinking about Summer and hoping she was O.K. I couldn't tell you what the pastor said during that service, my mind was completely focused on worrying about Summer. As the pastor prepared to pray for communion, I decided to say a prayer myself. At this point, I wasn't sure if I believed in God. But I was desperate. I prayed, "God, please, I'm not sure if You exist or not, but I need to know if Summer is O.K. Please, just tell me she's fine. Send me a sign God. Please." The moment I said "amen", my phone vibrated. It was Summer. Telling me she was ok.
We met at my house to discuss the night before. Her head low in shame. She explained to me that she becomes a different person when she drinks. And she told to me what happened that night, which included bar hopping and a one night stand. I looked at her and told her, "Summer, whatever happened last night happened for a reason. I wouldn't be a Christian right now if it wasn't for that night. God turned bad into good." A few weeks later, I was baptized at my church. Summer was there, crying with joy. Before I knew it, she was leaving. The day that she left, she called me and said "I don't think we should continue to be friends while I'm gone. I'm sorry." I was devastated, and immediately became numb. A couple months later, I started to be on fire for God. I realized why Summer had to let me go, so that I could grow in Christ without her as a distraction, and so I chased God. I desired to know God, so I spent every available moment with Him.
For the month of May in 2011, I was working in Beaufort, SC as security for the Naval hospital. The second day I was there, I receive a call from a very familiar number. It was Summer. 8 months without contact, and she calls me. I was thrilled. Thoughts, emotions, everything from those 8 months just spilled out in a 3 hour phone conversation with ended with her saying, "Michael, I've realized that I've had strong feelings for you all along." WHAT!? I was… overwhelmed with joy. We practically started dating right there, clearing up all the mishaps from the year prior and starting with a clean slate. A couple days later, she told me that she had been accepted to work as the youth director of a church in Virginia after Mission Year had ended. This meant she was not coming back to Charlotte. What could I do? I had to be supportive, and I was. Two weeks later, I went to visit her in Atlanta for a day. We were instantly reconnected and rekindled from all of our phone conversations, seeing her face to face again just affirmed it. We spent the whole day together, going around Atlanta and enjoying time with each other. That night, I left to go back to Beaufort. For the rest of the time she was in Mission Year, our relationship was shaky most of the time. Almost every day, she attempted to convince me to leave her. That she was not worth it. That I deserved better. Almost every day, I had to fight to keep her. I had to fight for her, over the phone… for months…
Summer was given two weeks in between completing Mission Year and starting her new job. I picked her up in Atlanta and helped her move her stuff back to her parents place. We proceeded to spend the entire two weeks together, not spending more than an hour or two apart. We fit so well together. And we resisted temptation for sex, until the last week where built up emotion and energy couldn't contain it. We felt bad, and really tried not to let it happen again. But that didn't last long either. I still lived in Charlotte, but would make frequent visits up to D.C. to see her and she would visit me in Charlotte too. We couldn't resist each other. Since we were only able to see each other once a month, for a weekend, sex was huge in our relationship. It became our bond. Our focus.
We got engaged February of 2012. It was one of the happiest moments of my life, so far. I still remember her reaction to my proposal, as if it were earlier today. She expected a proposal to come soon. And she knew that, while I was working, I didn't have a lot of money. She persuaded me that this inexpensive promise ring would be fine as an engagement ring. It was pretty, and came with a black soft bag. But it wasn't right. With the help of my mother, I secretly purchased a real engagement ring. One of the things Summer and I did to stay connected while having a long distance relationship is we had a special notebook where we could write to each other, and pass it back and forth during visits. In this book, I wrote out a proposal just for her. I explained how much I loved her, and how badly I wanted to marry her. I wrote out my feelings. At the end, I wrote: Come to the back of the apartment when you're ready. I set the book on her coffee table during a visit to D.C., and popped in a movie while she was in the kitchen. As the movie started, she noticed the book and assumed I wrote something from weeks ago and picked it up to read it. At that moment, I walked into the back of the apartment as if I were going to use the restroom, with the engagement ring inside of the black felt bag the promise ring came in, inside of my pocket. Two minutes later, Summer cautiously approached me with a huge smile and tears in her eyes. I told her that I loved her, pulled the black felt bag out of my pocket and got down on my right knee. I pulled the engagement ring out of the bag, and when she saw the ring her whole face lit up with emotion I'd never seen from her before. She gasped. I took her hand and asked her to marry me. Crying, she said yes and hugged me tightly.
We agreed to get married on August 10th, 2012 (8.10.12). Her idea. All the while, I felt like we were rushing to get married and I wanted to wait. But in fear of losing the girl I loved more than anything in the world, I contained my anxiety until finally I exploded. In April of 2012, I became heavily depressed. I wouldn't eat unless I had to. I slept as much as I could. I skipped school and work whenever possible. Summer didn't find out until June. When she found out, she hesitantly agreed to postpone the wedding indefinitely. A week later, she ended the relationship all together.
Summer and I spent some time apart. In late July, I went up to visit her and try to fix the relationship. What happened was worse, and ultimately, the catalyst to why we're no longer together. Shortly after arriving, I found out that she was sexting an ex-boyfriend. When I found out, I just felt anger. I wanted to find more dirt on her. I wanted proof that she didn't want to be with me this whole time. While she was at work, I skimmed through an old diary of hers. Afterwards, I felt such great shame that I buried the secret. She eventually stopped sexting the guy, and our relationship started mending.
About a month later, she started to feel really convicted about a lie she was keeping from me. During the time after our engagement ended and me visiting her in D.C., she originally told me she went on a couple dates but nothing happened. She eventually confessed that she had multiple one night stands, with multiple people. This ruined me. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't go a few seconds without imagining her with other men. Two days pass, we're talking on the phone and I could tell that she was completely numb. I could also tell that something was severely off about her, almost evil in a sense. I asked her the only question I knew would make sense, "Summer, are you cutting yourself?" Moments of silence, until a soft and cold "yes." I spent the next two hours talking her out of continuing, and fighting for her. From there, I convinced her to call her parents. The next day, her parents were there to pick her up and take her back home. Leaving her job, and her apartment with her belongings, behind. From there, she started counseling and was getting better. Our relationship had a small glimpse of hope. Almost two months later, in October of 2012, I was having a bad day… still imagining this woman I was supposed to marry having sex with other men, I decided to confess. I just told her that I skimmed through an old diary, why. She told me to leave her alone for a few days. A week later, I got a lengthy email telling me that it was over. It took time for me to move on from her. My days were up and down, really. Until early March, 2013…
Browsing Facebook, knowing in the back of my mind that Summer deleted her Facebook months ago, I come across this picture… It's a picture of Summer dated in late December, with a new guy and an engagement ring on her finger. I dig a little more, and find 2 wedding photos of her that were just posted, with the same guy.
She got married. Not 6 months after we broke up. I couldn't figure out how to think of this. Was it out of desperation? Did she wanted to get married so badly that any guy would do? Was he just the guy God created Summer for? I didn't understand. My relationship with Summer felt cheapened. But with the help from God and my guys small group, I moved on. Summer introduced me to the World Race when she showed interest in it in August of 2012. I really didn't care for the idea of it then. And now I'm scheduled to depart in September of 2013. Wow.
I may not ever figure out why God has made my life the way it is, but to those who have seen 500 Days of Summer, I know that God will introduce me to my Autumn after my race. Until then, God and I have a lot of work to do!
If you're still reading, you seriously deserve an award. No? At least take some kudos.
