The other day, I got hit upside the head by the Word of the
Father. And it, lovingly, came through the beautiful people the Lord has given
me to lead.
I honestly had the scene in my mind from the movie Tommy Boy
(because I believe God has a similar sense of humor as me) when Richard and
Tommy are fighting on the side of the road. After many punches to Tommy’s face,
Richard finally takes a 2×4 and smacks Tommy in the face, knocking him out.
That’s what I felt like. Except it was in a loving, merciful
way. Where as Richard and Tommy continued to fight with each other and their
journey got a lot messier before things got resolved.
Though I wonder if it’s taken me a while to get to the point
of resolution. Meh, whatever. I’m here.
And I’m finally writing a blog.
You’re welcome.
SO, God used several people from G squad to reveal to me a
reality that I have been living in. And I’m not terribly proud of that reality.
I’m humbled…and I suppose that’s not a terrible place to be. At least three people
received words from the Lord that He was speaking peace over me. That I don’t
need to be worried about what comes next.
That what comes next is I wake up tomorrow…if I’m granted
that honor.
And I have to tell you… it stopped me in my tracks (a 2×4
smack to the face if you will). And I saw the people in front of me in a light
that I have been robbing them of thus far. They are who God has blessed me to
live life with. And I haven’t been living life with them to the fullest extent.
I remember telling my co-leaders at Launch that I was
walking in a lot of disappointments. The last year of my life has been one of
the hardest times of my life. It hasn’t been tough because a lot of bad stuff
has happened to me, but this last season of my life has been the first time in
my life where I’ve truly walked in blind faith. And let’s face it, expectations
I had were not met…as if I could ever have expectations for blind faith
walking.
I moved out to Flagstaff, AZ completely, 100%, based on
faith. Based on a word I committed to. I literally didn’t know what was beyond
the hood of my car as I set out with all that I owned packed in it.
The thing that I said I was going to do, didn’t come to
fruition. With the Lord’s blessing, I packed up all my stuff, yet again not
knowing what was beyond the hood of my car.
And since I strive for honesty in all things, including my
blogging, I am here to say that I have had the haunting feeling of ‘failure’
all over me. It’s funny how you can tell yourself before, during, and after
that it’s not going to be a failure, because you’re just trying. You never know
unless you try, right?
…and yet you still feel like the biggest failure of all.
Well, I’ve been carrying that. And it’s been creeping up on
me. And I’ve said with gusto that I knew it wasn’t a failure. And I have tried
to rebuke it.
But here I am. Feeling like I should have listened to the
people that said it wasn’t a good idea to go. Feeling like I should have stuck
to the ‘easy’ thing of being a support based missionary. Feeling like I should
have ‘put to use my degree’ in a ‘normal’ job. Feeling blind. Feeling stupid.
Feeling like a failure.
But I went. And I gave it my best shot. And it didn’t turn
out like any of us thought. Like I said earlier, I was blessed to leave. By the
people, by the Lord. I had so much peace and joy in my decision to leave. So I
left with the Promise from my Father that He would show me what was next. That
the options were going to be limitless, but I’d know which one to go with.
Got the call from AIM and my old friend, Noe. It was what I
was Promised. And I knew it.
I’m meant to be in relationship with people. And here I am
with 56 people. With the opportunity for limitless relationship.
And… I’ve been treating them like they are Plan B. As if
they were time filler until the ‘next thing’.
These “time fillers� and “Plan B’s� called me on my crap.
Because these amazing Men and Women of God have been Divinely
placed in my life for such a time as this.
This IS the ‘next thing’ because it is what is NOW.
I have the privilege of walking through life with over 50
people.
People that have been predestined to be in my life right now.
That means they are not filling the time that makes up my
life (how selfish of me to think).
They are God’s Plan A.
And I am here. This is the life I’ve been blessed to live.
I want to be present. Knowing that every moment I’m alive is
a moment to invest what I’ve been given. And that’s love and hope through Jesus
Christ.
Failing is only a reality when you don’t get back up. I’ve
risen from being knocked down. And I will continue to rise…because that’s who I
am. I guess I’m working on learning the reality of what it means when things
don’t come to fruition like you intended.
It’s a process. And I’m a Saint learning what it means to
live as a Daughter in my Father’s Mansion.
So, here’s to present living. For the Divine placements of
people, places, and seasons in our lives!
Cheers.
