I’m so aware right now.
Aware of what, I don’t quite know, but I’m
sure by verbally processing, I’ll figure it out by the end of the blog… but for
now, maybe it’s that my heart is breaking.
Sometimes, this happens to me.
I remember one summer I was at my grandmothers house with my aunt and cousins. I became so overwhelmed with
‘something’ and I had to get outside. I went out to one of my favorite places
in 
the world, the plains of Wyoming, and broke down in front of God’s sunset.
I cried a little, but the thing I noticed
most was that I couldn’t breathe and it felt like my heart was literally being
ripped out of my chest.
I don’t think I could have then, nor can I
now, tell you, specifically, what made me break down.
Whatever it is it sure is pushing me.
Whatever it is, it’s almost like it’s pissing me off…
I refuse to stand and watch the weary and lost cry out for
help
I refuse to turn my back and try and act like all is well
I refuse to stay unchanged, to wait another day to die to
myself
I refuse to make one more excuse
I don’t want to
live like I don’t care
I don’t want to
say another empty prayer
Oh, I refuse to
sit around and wait for someone else
To do what God
has called me to do myself
I could choose
not to move
But I refuse
~Josh Wilson
Maybe God is allowing my heart to feel a
tiny sliver of what His feels.
I’m glad ‘it’s’ here.
When this ‘thing’ shows up randomly, I am
initially annoyed. I’ve cried in response to a lot of different things today,
and I am not a fan of my emotions getting out of control.
But I’ve just been sitting with my Papa
today, and He’s showing me why I’m here. What He’s showing me is pretty
massive; so massive, some people I know think I’m absolutely foolish. But like Josh Wilson’s lyrics, I refuse
to let that stop me from doing what I know
is going to bring life.
I have a call on my life, so do you. God’s
calling us right now to wake up! For me, the wake up call sometimes looks like
being bent over in agony, trying to catch my breath, while tears run down my
cheeks.
For me, that’s what it takes sometimes to get me in
the physical position to hear Him when He says: “Walk out of the gates. Get
going! Get the road ready for the people. Build the highway. Get at it! Clear
the debris; hoist high a flag, a signal to all peoples! Yes! I’m
broadcasting to all the world: ‘Tell daughter Zion, ‘Look! Your Savior comes,
ready to do what he said he’d do, prepared to complete what he promised.’�
So here I am. I have peace that this is
what I am to feel.
And all I want is more.
I’m here, I’m healthy, and I’m hungry.
