…then I realized I’m a pretty close
representation of Jonah. I read through the book of Jonah one summer. I
meditated on it a lot and I ended up being super annoyed by the guy. I remember
thinking, “what a whinny turd!”
Tonight I was wallowing in self-pity. I was listening to a
couple songs that are often fallbacks of mine for when I’m feeling blue, or in
a funk. I was journaling the lyrics when I realized that God wanted to show me
something, so I drew what I saw. God gave me a vision of me sitting under the
shade of a tree, but I was miserable under this tree. I wrote in the bark of
the tree the words, “I AM”. The lyrics to the song that I was listening to (All
I Can Say) went something like this, “I think I’ll stop and rest here a while.”
The song moves from this wallowing in self-pity mode, to this humbled awareness
of who God is and His promises: “I didn’t notice you were standing here. I
didn’t know that that was you holding me. I didn’t notice that you were crying,
too. I didn’t know that that was you washing my feet.”
That’s when God said, “Hey, read Jonah’s story.” That I did,
and boy did it sound like me. I have come to realize, through many modes of
communication from God, that I am a fighter–a fighter for justice. God has put that in
me, and I’m slowly but surely growing into that. God has given me certain
people or causes that I’ve needed to step up and fight for or speak truth into.
This month, though, I have often totally pulled a Jonah. God specifically
called me to walk in justice, and I have chosen to run away. Like Jonah, I
hopped ship and went below the deck to sleep. The storm started raging and God
revealed to me that my running away from His calling was not where I needed to
be. So, I thought I’d be smart and I hurled myself into this raging storm/fish’s
stomach that, for me, looked more like a padded room left to myself. There I
prayed. Like Jonah, I prayed as if I was receiving God’s grace that He so
easily gives away (God does give His grace away easily, in my opinion, almost
to a fault. But that’s what makes God, God. And I’m thankful). But my intention for praying for and receiving that
grace was to get me out of the fish’s stomach…out of that padded room. God, being the
Great Guy that He is, allowed that fish to vomit me up. And by the way, I
really appreciate that term: vomit. It’s ugly and nasty. Where Jonah and I were
was ugly and a result of our disobedience. We needed to be regurgitated onto
dry land. What happens next makes me laugh: God gives
Jonah and I a second chance to be obedient. This time, we do it. We go
and speak the truth. And, low and behold, God’s will is done and it happens the
way He intended for it to happen. But what did Jonah and I do? We threw a tissy-fit.
This is what we cried out, “I knew
you were sheer grace and mercy, not easily angered, rich in love, and ready at
the drop of a hat to turn your plans of punishment into a program of
forgiveness! So God, if you don’t punish them, punish me, I’m better off dead!”
We had no love or grace for the people and causes we were fighting for. So
selfish we are…
But this is where it get’s good. I think I like the way ESV
translates God’s words best; “Do you do well to be angry?” Jonah and Megan,
really?! Do you do well to be angry?
Well then, God gave us a shaded tree (that’s where it kinda
comes together, if you’re tracking with me) that we find rest in while we sit
in our pity-pits. Man, God sure does love us. Ope, wait the tree, that we had
no involvement in growing, withers and dies. Here come those selfish whines
again. The sun was beating down on us and made us weary and faint so we again
say, “I’m better off dead”.
The God replies, “What’s this? (Do you do well to be angry?!)
How is it that you can change your feelings from pleasure to anger overnight
about a mere shade tree that you did nothing to get? You neither planted nor
watered it. It grew up one night and died the next night. So, why can’t I
likewise change what I feel about [my people and causes] from anger to
pleasure, childlike people who don’t yet know right from wrong…?”
As I was saying, I was sitting there, wallowing in self-pity
when God gave me a vision of me sitting under a shaded tree. I didn’t notice
that God was standing right there. I didn’t realize He was washing my feet. I
was in a padded room that I put myself into. I didn’t feel God, but God came
into that place with me. He grabbed my hand and spoke truth into me.
You see, God is a fighter…a
fighter for justice. The way
I was wasn’t just. He had to speak the truth in love to me.
“And this is all that I can say right now. I know it’s not
much. And this is all that I can give, and that’s my everything.”
…Still Praising God.
