not my fight anymore

I didn’t last very long at the gym today. The moment I
stepped on the elliptical my legs started screaming. And by the time I got to
my third arm machine, my thoughts about my body went downhill fast.

… I don’t like my arms
and chest, I hate my stomach, and my legs aren’t the greatest things ever…

I walked out the door, with my headphones still in, letting
those horrible thoughts wash over me instead of fighting them.

But as I held the door for an older guy to come in I saw he
was saying something to me. I took one headphone out as he said thank you and
mentioned something about my red hair.

“It’s natural, isn’t it?�

“Yeah, it is.�

“Why is it that all redheads are either gorgeous or not that
attractive, and you are gorgeous.�

                                                     ________________________________________________

Timidly I said “thank you� and finished walking to my car.

Here’s the thing. The past few months, my self-image has
been low. I’ve been close to hitting rock bottom in how I view my body. I’ve
been more aware of what I want to change and yet not really that motivated to
do it. 

I haven’t been able to listen when people who love me and
know me tell me I’m beautiful.

I am having trouble. Believing.
It.

Because it’s not that it’s not said, or that I don’t have
days when I feel beautiful.

It’s that the lies somehow still have a hold on me. And they
have an easy time creeping back into my thoughts.

And fighting is hard.
And I’m tired of it. And I want to be done but I can’t even seem to throw a
punch at the enemy most days.

And for a very long
time, I feel like I’ve been fighting alone.

Those lies had been creeping in for less than five minutes
before that guy told me I was gorgeous.

God spoke so clearly to me in that moment.

“I know you’re tired,
little one, but this is NOT YOUR FIGHT. It’s MINE, because YOU ARE MINE.�

I didn’t speak truth into my life today. God did. He sees my
exhaustion, my feelings of aloneness and my unbelief.