In our walk with the Lord, we go through so many different seasons. Some seasons are short, while others seem to last just about forever; some are joyful, while others are exhausting. I want to talk about the seasons that are long and exhausting—I promise this post won’t be as depressing as that sounds!
We have all been there—those times where you are spending time with the Lord and feel like you are talking to the wall. It seems to be during the times where we are struggling with something or feeling broken, lost, tired etc. Convenient, right? We can talk ourselves in circles, building in frustration the more we continue in prayer. Our prayers quickly turn into accusations, and then it’s a matter of minutes before we begin to doubt God all together. I know this season well because I spent almost a year in this season. A few years ago I was struggling with a relationship ending and just going through the process of rebuilding my identity (which I don’t think really ever ends). It was one of the hardest years I went through so far, and I felt like God was so absent. I would cry out to the Lord and feel nothing. He seemed voiceless. There’s this little zoo with a pond I would drive to and just park to spend time with God. I would talk to the Lord, feeling like I might as well be talking to the wall. I would cry in frustration and get so angry with Him because I felt like He was abandoning me when I needed Him the most. I remember questioning His word yelling, “Lord, you said if I seek you I will find you! You said if I draw near to You, You will draw near to me! So here I am, and where are You?”. I was so angry and hurt because I couldn’t feel Him. I wanted answers or at least direction. “How am I supposed to know what I am doing wrong or failing to do if You won’t respond, Lord??”—Annoyed would be an understatement. Despite my frustration, I kept going to that park to talk to the Lord over and over again. As much as I wanted to walk away from it all, I couldn’t. My flesh wanted to say screw it, but my spirit was already convinced and captivated by what the Lord had already done in my life. Once you have experienced the goodness and love of the Father, you can’t undo it. My spirit has found its purpose and as much as my flesh opposes it at times, I am beautifully bound by the love of my Savior.
I never had one specific moment that took me out of this season into the next, but instead the Lord shifted my perspective in the process which enabled me to experience Him through the “droughts”. Perseverance is an interesting topic to me. I think as Christians we like to throw this around lightly and are quick to claim it. But do we really know and practice perseverance? There is nothing more comforting and freeing then when we are able to rest in the presence of the Lord—when we are able to lay everything at His feet, feel heard, and then feel His comfort. He brings us out of our struggle and then we say that we persevered through that trial. But how much perseverance and faith does that really take? But what about when we don’t feel the Lord’s presence? What about the times when we don’t feel like He hears us? What about when we don’t feel His comfort rush in? Is He still good? Is He still real? Is He still sovereign? They’re the moments where everything you FEEL tries to tell you lies about the Lord—that He doesn’t care, that He is a liar, that He just doesn’t like you, that He has better things to do or bigger things to deal with, that He isn’t with you, that He isn’t even real—THOSE are the moments where perseverance becomes relevant. Perseverance is not coming out of a trial after the Lord took away the struggle for you, it is choosing to stand on His truth and choosing faith when we FEEL alone in a struggle that seems too much for us to conquer on our own.
In today’s Christian culture, I think it has been easy to become caught up in a “feeling”. We have all of these amazing worship bands and speakers that are so good at evoking emotion (which isn’t a bad thing), but then it becomes easy to worship the emotional high we get from worship, instead of worshiping the Savior. Human beings are emotional in general as is. Therefore, in our relationship with the Lord, it’s easy to become dependent on these feelings we get instead of the truth of His word and promises. During this season I was going through, I was so wrapped up in my feelings, that I was denying the Lords truth. I felt abandoned, I felt alone, I felt like He just didn’t care. However, the Lord was teaching me to stand on His truth and persevere in the times where I didn’t feel Him. He was asking me, “Mardie, you have been faithful while feeling my presence, but will you remain faithful when you don’t feel me? Is my truth still truth when you don’t feel me?” Through the anger and frustration of feeling abandoned, the Lord taught me to cling to His truth and persevere. So even when I feel like He has abandoned me, I choose to believe He is with me because He has said, “Never will I leave you, Never will I forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5. Even when I feel like He doesn’t care, I choose to believe that He cares because He has said, “Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” Luke 12:6-7. Seasons, joyful and exhausting, come and go. You are never permanently stuck in a season, even when they seem to last forever. Each one has its own purpose. The joyful seasons are amazing, but such intimacy with the Savior comes from the ones where we don’t “feel” Him. There’s beauty in the desert.
