This is by far the hardest blog I have written while on the world race. Not because it is vulnerable, I have written plenty of those, but because it exposes vulnerability I don’t usually share: what I need to work on.
Four months ago I embarked on the world race and couldn’t have been more sure of my decision or desire to follow the calling I felt God had placed on my heart. I packed up my backpack, said goodbye to friends and family, and got on a plane to India. The first month was filled with greater joy and hardship than I could have ever imagined. I missed my family and community desperately, I became violently ill with Dengue fever and was introduced to human trafficking in a way I had never experienced. However, I also held the hand of orphans, danced along with the Ayas and bonded with a team of strangers who became family.
Month 2 found me hospitalized for the better part of half the month still with Dengue. I struggled through missing my team, trying to understand foreign medical care and trying to find my place in ministry even in the hospital. Once I was finally out I was able to go to a dance bar and talk to women who were currently either being sold or selling themselves in order to support their families or pay back debts. I knew it would be heartbreaking and I knew it would be difficult, but I had no idea what it would raise up inside of me because of my own personal story and experiences. I began to lose sleep, find myself panicking at random moments, and emotionally shutting down. I told myself I just needed to pray harder and that God would get me through it. Little did I know how He would answer those prayers.
Month 3 was Thailand and our ministry was once again centered around human trafficking. My first week there I was out on a run when I suddenly found myself pinned down by a foreign man who attempted to assault me. Again, I told myself to just pray and ask God to take the fear away from me. However, the nightmares worsened, the anxiety increased and I found myself in a place where my ministry was not being done out of an overflow, but a constantly depleting well instead. I reached out to my leaders, told them I was struggling and was blessed to have amazing people who saw me. They didn’t see the me I was trying to display, but the actual me. The me that was struggling. The me who felt like she was drowning in the weight of what had just happened as well as what had happened in my past. They pushed past the lies of I’m ok, and saw the dependence I had formed that was not on God. They saw me and in the process helped me see what I truly needed. And that, unfortunately, was to be at home where I could begin to truly heal.
During month four a decision was made for me to come home from the race. I was devastated; truly. I cried for hours as I said goodbye to my team, packed my bags, and began my 30+ hour journey back to America. I was humiliated that I hadn’t been strong enough, felt dejected and was horribly anxious about what my supporters would say. I felt like a failure. Like I had disappointed my family, friends, supporters and God. But what I have found since returning home is anything but those feelings I had on the plane. I was met with hugs and love and support I truly didn’t think I deserved. I was reassured, prayed for, and felt more love than I had ever experienced in my life. For that, I am forever grateful.
I am sure there will be questions. Heck, I still have a few myself. I am definitely open to those questions, and will try my best to answer them all with honesty and openness. However, I also ask that during this time of transition there is lots of grace through the process.
I would like to say thank you to all of my family, friends, supporters and readers. Thank you for supporting me in so many ways while on the race and now that I am off the field. Thank you for loving me well and showing God’s love through your actions. Even though the race didn’t end the way I expected, I am quite confident that God had and has an even better plan in store for me here in America as I begin my healing journey.
XOXO,
Maddie
