The other day I was sitting in the passenger seat of the car at a red light. I looked to my left and focused on the face of someone I dearly love and wondered what it would be like to not see that face for almost a year. The thought made my heart ache, and just for a brief second I wondered if I was brave enough to leave those I love in pursuit of those that God loves. I think it was in this moment that I realized that I am a little scared to go on the World Race. I think it was about three seconds later that I realized that was ok. You see, I don’t believe that courage is the absence of fear. I think instead being brave means doing something even when you are scared.
For the past five months I haven’t thought of fear as an emotion that I have. I have been excited, stressed, impatient, but not scared. However, as my launch date approaches (5 months y’all!) I find myself having to accept and embrace the truth that it really is ok to be scared. So, I decided to make a list of all the things I am scared of and share this list with all of you in the spirit of authenticity.
Bugs. Y’all, I am so serious when I say that I am basically allergic to every bug that has ever graced my presence. It is ridiculous! It is a running joke with those who know me best that if there is one rare bug on the entire continent, I will, in fact, be the one who meets it.
Sleeping in a tent. To say that I am not exactly the outdoorsy type is an understatement. My idea of camping is at a hotel, with room service, and a beach within walking distance lined with cabanas. God and I argued about this one quite a bit. I was so resistant to even applying for the World Race because I knew I wasn’t the camping type. However, per usual, God won and here I am going to rough it for a year. Shout out to my new favorite store, REI.
Illness. I know that getting sick is 100% possible here in the U.S., but traveling outside the country, especially for 11 months straight, definitely increases the risk of illness. It probably also didn’t help that I watched every single YouTube video known to man on the World Race, and am now terrified I will have to get my appendix taken out in a country where I don’t understand what they are saying, but hope for the best anyway. Thanks, Vloggers.
Not being able to measure up. There are many days when I worry that I don’t know enough scripture, or enough about the Bible to go out and be a missionary. I worry that the things I say will be totally wrong, or that when it’s important I won’t have the words to say. However, recently I was reminded by someone I love that when we pray about everything we say, we tend to have better words. I was also reminded by her actions that sometimes the most important thing someone can do is sit there and listen. That sometimes just sitting down with someone and stepping into their pain is the most loving thing you can do. She is incredible at this, and I truly believe God has gifted me with her to teach me this practice. Isn’t that amazing? I have been practicing this faithfully, but my “maddieisms” as I like to call them, still pop out every now and then.
Coffee. As you may have gathered from the multiple blog posts I have written revolving around coffee, I am an avid drinker! I don’t just like coffee, I love it. My day has not truly started without a hot cup of that liquid gold. I like it strong, with lots of cream, no sugar, and hot! So, the thought of not having it for a year makes me a little scared for not only myself, but also my teammates. Thankfully God gave me a best friend named Gabs to make sure that I don’t let my coffee deprived monster come creeping out. Good luck, Gabs!
Not being changed. I fear that I will go on this trip and not come back shaped and changed into more of the person that God wants me to be. I pray that there is a change in me that others can see, and a change that would stick with me longer than the time I am on the field. I want my heart to have grown in a way that has love for all of the countries and people I meet. I want my attitude toward worldly things to be better. I want to learn how to be more present with those I am with and not be distracted by the thought of those I miss. I want my life and my heart to be changed for the better. Please, God, let my heart and life be changed for the better.
Now that you know my fears of the trip, would you consider beginning to pray for these things with me? Would you pray that I would recklessly abandon my life here for a year, and spend all my time and energy pursuing and loving those that God has called me to pursue and love? Would you pray that I am safe from illness and harms way? Would you pray that I would take the time to be still and quiet and really listen for God’s words and not my own? Would you pray that I would have a happy heart and attitude even without coffee; even when it’s really hard? I’m sure this is something that you have heard before, but the Bible says do not fear 365 times. That is a daily reminder that we do not need to be afraid. But when I am, I know that God’s got me. He is right there filling me back up with love, comfort, safety, metaphorical coffee, strength, wisdom and compassion. What a great God we have.
