Yup, you read that correctly. I love men. I am a man. I am a Christian. And I love men.
Let me explain. This has nothing to do with homosexuality. (This is where those hoping for some hot topic controversy get a little disappointed, and where what could have been a crazy comment argument for the ages comes to a halt before it even began. Sorry to disappoint.) So, I want to be very clear…I am incredibly, incredibly heterosexual and what's written here has nothing to do with physical attraction or sexual relationships in any way. This has everything to do with a calling in my heart. Check it out.
I have been home from the race for nearly a month. I have done a lot of resting and reflecting. A lot of processing my thoughts aloud (thank you to EVERYONE in my life who just listens…your patience as I speak is one of the greatest gifs you could ever give me…and I am not exaggerating. Your listening helps me to really understanding what I'm thinking, feeling and learning.) As I've thought about my experiences pre-race and on the race I have come to what was a puzzling conclusion that may be heretical as far as The World Race Goes (cue suspenseful Law & Order music…)
My heart never really broke for the poor, for the sick, for the needy like I thought it would. It didn't really break for the children I met, for the families or for the beggars. It just didn't. I loved them, I was sad to see what I saw, but my heart just never came apart over it. I was often frustrated with that on the race. I was confused about it, wondering why I was such a cold-hearted, jaded jerk. But then my heart did break. It broke yesterday, after being home for 3 weeks. And it broke when I heard the story of a 90 year old man who I know, who fell sweeping his stairs and had to be picked up by three women he knew, which embarrassed him immensely. THAT'S what broke my heart. I began to tear up thinking about his humiliation and how his pride was that much of an issue and how horrible he must have felt because he needed help just to stand when he thinks he should be perfectly capable to help himself.
I know right? That broke your heart Mac? Not seeing suffering first hand? An old guy who'd fallen and couldn't get up, like in that cornball commercial broke your heart? Dude…you missed the point of the race. Bigtime.
But you know what. I didn't. Because I have started to realize there were a few times my heart did start to break on the race. (I don't know if "break" is the right word…so I will start saying my spirit was moved. Cool? Cool.) There were three times this happened. Once in Nicaragua. Twice in Kenya. All three times involved being around students and wanting to counsel them…to encourage them…to be in their corner…to help lead them and prepare them and empower them and build them up and send them out into the world to bring change. Those times are when my heart came alive. And the students were young men. And I wanted to know them, to help them, to again, just be in their corner.
Then I began to think about life before the race and how my absolute favorite ministry (which I never considered a ministry at all, but a passion) is a mens group started by my mentor. I have found an amazing sense of God's love and real healing through that group, and have led two groups of men (ages ranging 24-70) through some of that same territory. (Read about that crazy group of guys HERE.) And it was the most frustrating, burdening, heart breaking thing. And it brought me more joy, more hope, more excitement, more intimacy and more life than any other form of service I've ever attempted.
So I have started putting a lot of this together. The pieces being that my spirit moves for men who do not know themselves or their God. Men trapped in all forms of bondage. Men who long to be genuine but are so afraid to be genuine and appear weak, scared and confused. My heart longs to walk through healing alongside them. My heart longs to start these conversations with young men, to tell them early on how much they're loved and cherished by God, and how they don't have to live up to any standard. I want them to know as believers how much INCREDIBLE POWER, AUTHORITY and GIFTS they have to be used for the kingdom, and not to resign themselves to the back of our army…but to believe in Holy Spirit in them, and to walk forward with joy, seriousness, compassion, grace and boldness! And not to walk alone, but alongside Jesus and their brothers, helping and encouraging one another…speaking hard truth in love to one another! The race helped me to see that this is an area where my spirit comes alive!
So…what does this all mean? What am I going to do with all this revelation? I have absolutely no idea. I'm allowing it to grow, to sink in. I'm allowing God to lead me into how it may best be used. I have started pursuing a few things, one in particular related to this…and you may hear about it down the road. But for now I just wanted to check in and let you know just one of the ways the year has impacted and grown me.
So there you go. I left wanting to know more of what God had for me, and to discover more of the giftings and passions he'd given me, and I've come home with the simple truth that I love men. Who would've thought?
