In Swaziland my team was placed with
another team at El Shaddai children’s home. This is in essence an
orphanage in the mountains of Swaziland. Every day some of would
go to the baby house (ages 0-5) to love on the little ones
there, and some of us would go to construction.
In reality, ‘construction’ was
really de-contruction most of the time, and gardening some of the
time. I chose this option. It was nice to do manual labor for a
change. We knocked down an old tool shed, laughing when all it took
was a good hip bump to topple the poorly cemented cinder-blocks. I
loosed my inner organizer on all the random things from the shed,
using scraps of knowledge gleaned from exploring dads tool shop.
Items were lumped into piles like; things that measure, things that
burn, things that make light, axes, break-pads, and mysterious small
metal things.
After lunch we could go to the baby
house, continue construction, or help
tutor the older kids after school.
because it challenged and scared me,
and because it was suggested that we act in our gifts I decided
to try the tutoring.
Well, I didn’t actually do much
teaching. Most of the time the kids didn’t have a lot of homework, or
it was in Siswazi, or they didn’t tell me about it. So at a loss, I
began drawing with a young boy. Soon I was taking requests from
several kids a day. I would try to talk to them as I drew the
prescribed princess with long, long, long hair. Or hulk.
Inside I struggled.
I felt like I was not making a connection, no relationships. I
was scared, I didn’t know how to do this. I felt defeated. I wanted
to just do construction- that would involve less people finesse. I
had this idea that the month would be about relationship- but it
didnt seem to be working. Then one day I realized that these ideas
where lies; False ideas that sapped my energy and spirit, and that I
should walk in victory, that I had to keep fighting, that if God
promised that this adventure would be good, and positively impacting,
it would.
I began to declare victory over
the days; often taking time to prepare myself, mentally and
spiritually for the day. Our schedule allowed us to have some
blocks of off time. And our location- in the rural mountains of
Swaziland- allowed me to get
alone time then.
The scenery was amazing, Huge granite boulders, the bones of
the mountains broke through grassy hills, capping them in molted
gray, and providing secluded islands on which to perch. Here and
there small trees broke up the landscape, condensing into chaos in
the deeper valleys. Water seeped out of the bedrock in places, pure
enough to drink. I watched lizards play. I investigated aloes, and
secret purple flowers in the crevices of the rocks. The only thing I
had to watch out for was poisonous snakes- but I figured, at least
I’m not food for them, I mean, I have been in mountain lion, bear and
shark territory- those things might consider me a snack, mambas just
don’t want to get stepped on. The rocky places were my favorite
sanctuary.
The classroom/kitchen was
still hard some days, I still did not know what to do, but I clung to
the idea that defeat was not my name. And I began to form tenuous
relationships with some of the girls.
What is funny is that looking back
on that month I realize that it was about relationship- but
not between me and the kids- as I expected. It was between me and my
squad-mates. The whole month I was poured into though I didnt
recognize it or know what to do with it at the time. My friends would
complement me about how I did my hair, or making dinner or painting
or just say liz you are so cool
Don’t get me wrong, its not like I
have never been complemented before- but almost always before I
received the complement from beyond frosted glass. You see, I didnt
think people really meant them. I thought they would just say nice
things because they had to, because it was what Christians or parents
were supposed to do. Through the verbal loving that my squad-mates
poured on me, an idea began to grow in my heart. (WARNING: this is
going to sound super dramatic)The idea that maybe some people outside
my tiny closest circle, did like me for real. That maybe my presence
was more valuable- even more desired- than my absence. That there
is value in my showing up
I don’t say this for pity- goodness
knows its my fault that I believed these sneaky lies in the first
place. I say it to thank my squad-mates. And in the hope that if you
are dancing with the same lie, maybe you can see its ugly face and
turn it down.
