I have put certain standards on myself in what it means to be a successful missionary. Before I signed up for the race I had this perception that I would be constantly filled up and that I would not struggle with spiritual disciplines like praying, reading the bible, or writing blogs that reveal the things I struggle with.
I have never been on a mission trip before this year. Go big or go home right? Those who are thinking about giving an entire year to God, really think about what it is you are signing up for. You will confront your insecurities, heal from the past, learn how to REALLY love, God will use this year to refine you in every way because he wont relent until we look more like Jesus! It is painful at times but OH so worth it!
The thing is I fight with God about the things I do not want to confront. I try to justify myself and say that I am fine where I am, so I settle for a life wrapped up in my own mess. I was a woman who would not confront her past because it is too painful. My deepest insecurity was that I lived for approval.
I want to write this out for a few reasons. So that these things wont have a hold over me anymore! Because this month in Malaysia I got to the end of myself and said NO MORE! I gave up the fight and asked God to speak louder than anyone else. To grow a pair and post this blog because I know that this is part of the process of me walking into FREEDOM that I don’t want to leave Malaysia without.
What God thinks of me is far more important than what anyone else thinks of me. I don’t have to be perfect, I don’t have to have it together ALL the time, and I don’t have to be held to a standard. I don’t have to pray, I don’t have to read the bible and I don’t have to write blogs that are real and honest, BUT I WANT TO! Even when it doesn’t come easy, even if it is uncomfortable, and even if I am not accepted by those who read this blog.
This month my team and I are living in a home called Rumah Shalom where I am mentoring 11 girls between the ages of 6 to 15. I am tutoring them in English, Geometry and Algebra and we spend time in the word every day. These girls are incredible but a lot of them are stuck in some form of bondage. I see girls who are slaves to fear and those who let the words of man hold more weight than they should. I see girls who are so closed off that they are alone in their mess. I have the opportunity to speak into these young ladies lives and say with the authority I have that God wants so much more for them. This month has been incredible. I am able to talk to them in English and since we live with these girls there is so much opportunity to develop real relationships. It has not been easy in any way but it has been life changing!
God did not create us to live alone. He created us for relationships.
