I’m 24 years old and growing up I always thought that I’d be married by now.
I’m definitely not! Sometimes I embrace this and sometimes I hate it. I’ve actually developed a scale to evaluate on any given day where I’m at with my singleness. It ranges from 0 to 10. 0 being “I hate everyone in a relationship and if I see one more couple holding hands I’m going to vomit and hopefully some of it will hit them.” And 10 being “I AM SINLGE! I AM FREE! YEAHHHH! Ain’t nobody tying me down to nothin’! *dances to ‘Single Ladies’ by Beyonce*” Over the past few years I have fluctuated all over the scale.
At age 19 I committed to serve God through vocational missions and ministry. I felt led by Him to transfer to University of the Cumberlands to study so I did. A lot of people said to me “You’ll probably meet your future husband there.” I believed that, and I think I would have even if no one had said it to me. In my mind it was just naturally what was supposed to happen next in life. Graduate high school, go to college, meet your future spouse there, get married, have kids, etc.
And underneath all of that was “I am following God now and being obedient to Him, so surely He will reward me. Surely things will fall into place now.”
God had something way better in store for me than what I wanted for myself.
At one point in early college, I was so desperate to get the ball rolling that I pretty much threw myself at a guy. He liked me, but didn’t do anything about it. I got fed up with that eventually and realized that I had been more focused on my relationship with him than I was on my relationship with God. I had been investing a huge amount of energy into this relationship that wasn’t going anywhere and certainly wasn’t what God wanted for me. I had also been basing my value on whether a man found me worthy of dating or not. I realized these things, and surrendered control of my love life to God. The guy turned out to be really creepy and kind of stalked me when all was said and done. So yeah, from that experience I definitely came to understand that God knows what is best for me.
I still had a lot to learn. Over the next couple of years God taught me about setting boundaries with men, and what a godly relationship really looks like. I made a lot, A LOT, of mistakes during that time but the Lord used them all to grow me and make me more like Him. I began to be content in my singleness, and even started learning how to embrace it.
Discontentment is something I struggle with in general. This is somewhat due to my passion for excellence. I am constantly thinking, “How could this be improved? What could be better about this?” I truly believe that my passion for excellence is a gift from God to use for His glory, but sometimes my flesh twists it, and I focus on the things that could be better rather than the things that are already good.
I have watched friends enter new and exciting relationships, get engaged, get married, and have babies. Its been really hard and I’ve been very jealous of them at times because these are all things that I strongly desire.
But about two years ago I realized that there are works God wants to do in and through me, and things He wants to use me for during this season of my life, that wouldn’t be possible if I were in a relationship or married. This makes me feel very excited and empowered. Because of my singleness I have been able to invest wholeheartedly in the lives of students, teens, and children. I have been able to develop deep, loving friendships with women, and learn how to have deep, loving, and safe friendships with men. I have leaned into the Lord and grown tremendously. And I have been able to live my life and make choices without having to factor in another person.
God used my singleness to lead me to the World Race. I realized that I really wanted to spend some time doing overseas missions, and that being single with no family obligations made this an opportune time for me to do that. So I had absolutely no problem agreeing to Adventures in Missions’ no dating policy for the World Race.
To be honest, I have struggled with it some since then. There are times I’m thinking, “Oh my gossssshh, it’s going to be over a year before I can even date, oh my gossshhh.” But I know that being single on the World Race is going to be amazing for me. God is going to teach me so much, and transform me even more to His likeness. I’m not dogging relationships at all, God would still teach and transform me if I had a boyfriend. My point is that He is going to use my singleness to teach and transform me, just as he would use my dating relationship if I were in one, or my marriage if I were married.
I still really hope to be married, and be a mother one day. I do my best to surrender these desires to God daily. I trust Him and I trust His timing. I am choosing to embrace my single season for all that it is, because I know that there are so many good things God wants to give me during this time.
Here’s to being a 10 this Valentine’s Day 😉 I’m off to find my Beyonce CD. Deuces.
