My relationship with my father was a complete mess growing up, and that left me believing a lot of lies. I believed that no one cared about me. I believed that I was ugly. I believed that I was not worth anything.
Those lies were echoed by many other boys and men in my life. Like the boys who joked about my body in middle school, and the boy who didn’t ask me to prom in high school. When I was in college they were echoed by a man who wasn’t brave enough to pursue me, and another man who became my companion but gave me no commitment. The lies were echoed by men who didn’t take time to listen to me, and by men who did not respect my leadership because I am a woman.
“No one cares about you.” “You are ugly.” “You’re worthless.”
Those lies came from the pits of hell and the enemy used them to hold me back. They kept me from growing in relationship with God, and from building genuine relationships with others. They kept me from ministering boldly.
When I began to identify these lies and understand the way they had impacted me, I was extremely angry at the men who had hurt me. For a few months I felt like every molecule in my body was made up of anger. Anger in itself is not bad, but I had let my anger run away with me. It blurred my vision and nearly every man I knew seemed to be a wimp, a manipulator, a cheater, a liar, an abuser, a jerk… and so on.
But we are wounded in relationships, and we are healed in relationships. The Lord knew that in order to heal I needed Christ-like men to show me love. So during that time in my life He sent loving men to me. He worked through these men to show me His image reflected in all men.
There were a lot of men that made an impact on me during this time, but I would like to specifically name a few. In Eric He showed me a safe brother, a comforter, and a giver of joy. In Derek* He showed me wisdom, friendship and fun. In Dean he showed me his fatherly heart, and his strong, unfailing love. In Bob God showed me trustworthiness, love, and His desire to fight for my freedom. In Tyler he showed me dedication, strength, and humility.
Eventually I was able to forgive my father, where all this began for me, and forgive the other men who had hurt me. I took back my anger and used it to fuel my action to send those lies back to hell! I started being friends, and building relationships with men again.
But I still didn’t really trust them. Like at all.
I was just so scared of getting hurt again! I hid my fear, and myself, behind a gigantic wall of rules and guidelines for interacting with the opposite sex. Rules like “no hugging,” “no praying together one-on-one,” and “no talking about anything emotionally significant.” These rules did not come from God, but from me and my desire for control. Specifically my desire to control all situations with men to keep myself from getting hurt. I followed these rules and often imposed them on others as well.
When I started interning for campus ministries I became aware of the impact my wall of rules was making. For starters, I was approaching so much of my life in fear. That is not freedom. I was judging others for not following the same guidelines that I did. I was distant from men, even to the extent that I often did not show them God’s love. My wall also negatively affected the way students approached ministry situations with the opposite sex. When I realized the impact that my wall was having on myself and others I was very sad, and began asking God to help me trust men.
Last summer I was on a mission team with nine students, four other women and five men. i had served on the same program twice before, but this time I was in leadership as the intern. I did not want my issues with men to hold me back from serving and loving the men on my team. At the beginning of the summer during our team building retreat, it was suggested that we do foot washing to symbolize our service to one another. My initial reaction was “But we have an odd number so there would be a guy-girl pair and that’s just not okay.” But in that moment the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said, “LeAnn, it actually is okay. You are just afraid.” So I said yes to the foot washing and decided that I would wash a man’s feet for the first time, and allow my feet to be washed by a man for the first time.
While my teammate Nick washed my feet I thought about Christ in him serving me. And I felt God telling me, “LeAnn, I live inside these men. You can trust me in them to protect you and care for you. They will fail sometimes but I will never stop protecting and caring for you.”
While I washed Nick’s feet I said internally, “Okay, God. I’m coming out from behind my wall.”
I repeatedly chose to stay out from behind the wall, and eventually I demolished it. I chose vulnerability. During the summer and during my last semester as an intern I saw, with clear, unblurred vision, my brothers serving God, myself, and others wholeheartedly and sacrificially. I saw Christ in them. I saw love in them. I allowed myself to love them, and to be loved by them.
I gained genuine friendships, good talks about emotionally significant things, great hugs, and love. I am experiencing God in a new way by trusting men and I am so thankful for His healing.
Because of my scars it is very difficult for me to see men using their strength or position to mistreat women and children. So far I haven’t come across anything that grinds my gears harder. On the World Race I anticipate that I will see this happen a lot, and I anticipate that sometimes I will want to rebuild my wall. But I am going to keep on trusting, and keep choosing vulnerability. I believe that God will use my scars and healing process to heal others, and through all of that He will heal me more deeply.
Thanks for reading. Love, LeAnn.
*name has been changed.
A big piece of my healing came through The Cross Ministry Group. Attending Women at the Cross is what really gave me the tools to walk in freedom and truth. If you are seeking healing in any area of your life I encourage you to check them out.
