So we’ve made it to month 5 of the world race. No longer rookies, our sandals are worn and dirty (or lost and broken), our backpacks lighter (or replaced – thanks Dad) and we’re officially world travelers. So what has God been doing? In a conversation with a good friend, I recently realized my prayers sound a lot like repetitive apologies. Apologizing for the same things over and over, feeling guilty when I make a mistake and hitting my knees with the same I’m-sorry-for all over again. The speech even annoys me. I’ve struggled between feelings of freedom and redemption that’s all-that and the conditioning that I just don’t have it all together, and never will, so why even try? I gave a year of life to this grand adventure the spirit pushed me into, but I still get hit with the thoughts that it’s not enough.
It’s a lot like me and Jesus are grabbing coffee on a rainy Saturday afternoon. I order my coffee, go to pay and realize I’ve forgotten my wallet. Jesus says, “It’s cool, I got it,” orders his coffee and slides over his card. I’m all like “Are you sure? Thank you so much! I’ll pay you back, promise.” And he responds “Don’t even worry about it. I want to.” So we get back to His house and there’s a lot of people there (cause Jesus’ place is always a party) and I’m like “Hey, Jesus bought my coffee today when I screwed up and left my wallet at home, but I’m going to pay Him back.” And the next day I see Him out, and I’m like “Hey I’m really sorry you had to pay for my coffee, I have yours next time, really I do,” and this keeps on until finally He says, “You know Lo, you don’t have to try to earn the coffee or do anything to deserve it. I already paid for it. I just wish you would stop apologizing all the time. I just want time with you.”
I’m busy apologizing for not showing enough of God’s love back at home, or crossing my heart that I’ll never do that awful terrible thing again. I’m standing at the counter feeling dumb and worrying He’s going to think I’m not mindful enough, or that I should be more responsible, and Jesus is like. “What are you doing? It was never about that anyway! I knew you were going to forget your wallet, but I asked you to coffee anyway. I’ve already bought your coffee. And I always will. Just let me love you! Just let me buy your coffees.”
So I’m done apologizing. He knows I’m doing I’m trying every day to be better, but it was never about me trying anyway. It doesn’t make me any more or less deserving of what He’s already done. He sees me in in the middle of Africa, adjusting my hammock three times because I keep waking up with my backside sinking on to the floor. My melatonin has kicked in and there’s rain flies, malaria mosquitoes and rats running around this building. It’s a probable hundred degrees in this barred up room and my patience has long dried up with the rain that came earlier this morning. But it’s okay, because He knows this is all for Him. Because He has my coffee, and I’m exactly where He wants me to be. And He knows I take my coffee straight up, double shot of espresso, no sugar.
