I’m fat, I’m ugly, no man will want me, people don’t want to listen to what I have to say, I’m not worthy, I’m not good enough, I’m not a strong enough Christian…those were the lies that often flooded my mind. Where did that start? Some of it I can pin point to the men I have looked up to in my life. Some I can say started with the reason my parents divorced. Some I can blame on me comparing myself to others. I have spent a lot of my life letting those thoughts seep into my mind because I’ve been single for so long or because I didn’t have a lot of friends growing up. In school I was a bully, then I was a nobody and would hang out with others who didn’t have friends. I would know who everyone was, but they would have no clue who I was even if I had met them 5 other times before.
This month we had team changes. I went from an all girls team to a team with men and a married couple which is exactly what I didn’t want. I had been praying for God to grow me and begin a change in my life since the beginning of the race and he just answered. I have had small growths, but now it’s time to trust God and get ready for the changes in myself that I had pushed down so far. I have always had a hard time trusting men and always put up a front that things didn’t bother me. I made myself have a confidence that wasn’t really there. You know when you tell yourself something long enough you believe it. Well that’s how I was. People would make fun of me because I had never had sex before so I had thoughts that men would only want experienced girls, I quickly shut that one down because I know what I have is valued. Guys would tell me I was beautiful and then ask for nude pictures, but when I refused they no longer wanted to talk to me. I was losing weight and then one of the men I looked up to in my life told me that I could lose more. Nothing I ever did growing up was good enough for this man. I had married men try to pursue me. A lot of pastors I looked up to cheated on their wives. So why trust men, why trust godly men because they are all the same…
This season of my life God is working on redeeming my identity in Him and redeeming how I see and view men. The first night of new team changes we had worship on the roof of the hotel in Kathmandu, Nepal and I was questioning and asking God why he put me on this team. I kept telling him I was ready to grow, but when the time came I didn’t want it anymore. That night God used Harris, my team leader, to begin the growing process. Harris came over to me and said “God wants me to tell you that you are beautiful, you are worthy, and you have a story to tell.” The song I Am Set Free was the song we were worshiping to and he said “I know you have been set free from your past struggles and God is going to use it.” Then he prayed for me and I couldn’t stop crying. God has never used a man in my life like that before. I knew this team was going to be good for me and in that moment I knew everything was going to be ok. But for the next week or so I wasn’t myself. I can’t explain it but I didn’t feel like Laura. My teammate LeAnna knows me well and she asked me what was wrong and at first I said I was fine, but she knew I wasn’t so I started telling her I had identity and confidence issues and I started crying. I knew I had to make my team aware of what was going on inside of me because I could no longer suppress it. My issues were boiling out from being pressed down so long. I had a real vulnerable moment with my team and they all prayed for me and it was a huge weight lifted off of me. I finally feel myself and Satan no longer has a hold on me with my identity. Jesus has told me that I am valued, I am beautiful, I am worthy and that’s all I need. He is redeeming how I feel about myself and how I see men. He has given me Harris and Hagan to learn from and they are setting the bar high for the kind of man I want in my life. I know the flesh is weak, but the sincerity these men show to the women of Team Radical is truly God given and I’m excited for the growth in myself to come.
Satan…I AM WORTHY, I AM BEAUTIFUL, I HAVE MEANING, I AM VALUED, I WILL BE MARRIED SOMEDAY, JESUS IS REDEEMING ME, I AM APPRECIATED FOR ALL THAT I AM, YOU ARE LOSING ALL THE HOLDS YOU HAVE ON ME AND ARE LOSING CONTROL OF MY MIND!!!!!!
