When God told me to write this blog I said, “There is no way I’m writing that. Do you know who follows my blogs?” He said to me, “People need to read it and it’s an example of redemption for you and can be for others.” I continued to pray on it and I had my teammates praying for me. A few days later I was in the middle of reading Genisis for our team Bible study and God told me the name of the person who needs to read it. So here goes nothin’.
Many times in life people have told me that I’m the perfect daughter and that I have a perfect life and I don’t seem to have any struggles. I may not have shown it on the outside, but I had my struggles and hidden sins that no one knew about. When I signed up for the World Race, many of you know that I started feeling oppression from the devil and I had to sleep with Christian music playing. If the music stopped in the middle of the night I would wake up feeling heavy oppression and darkness in my room. I knew why it was happening, but I didn’t stop it. For that whole year since committing to the Race I struggled with pornography and a sense of feeling lonely. A lot of my friends were in serious relationships or married and I was searching for feelings in the empty corners of the Internet. I would pray for God to take away the urge to watch it, but I always seemed to shut his voice off because I wanted that feeling. I knew the consequences of watching and when the oppression arose then I just used God so I could sleep at night. For months I felt numb and couldn’t understand why God was still abundantly supplying my funding for the Race. I was living in sin, but He was still providing everything and more. I tried to show emotion to my supporters and show my excitement for the Race, but it was non-existent. My emotions for the last few months before training camp were very much forced and I left for training camp questioning why God allowed me to get this far knowing I was living in shame and sin. My redemption happened at training camp on Wednesday night. I was praying and asking the Lord to take it away because I really didn’t want it anymore. I wanted the desire to go away and I wanted nothing to do with it anymore. He was stirring in my heart a little bit when one person came to pray for me. When Deon (our coach) came to pray for me there was a rush into my heart and it was Jesus like I’ve never felt him before. I started crying uncontrollably and kept apologizing to him and telling him to just take it. I asked Jesus to come hug me and let me feel him more that was when Rynette (other coach) came over to me and hugged me and said, “let it go.” I knew that was Jesus coming to hug me and He told me that I am forgiven and it’s gone and that I don’t have to worry about it anymore. That was the first time I ever felt Jesus like that and it was amazing! The next night I was prophesied over by a fellow squad mate and she said to me that she sees a sun rise and Jesus told her that I will not have to deal with the darkness anymore. I just broke down after that because I knew that he had taken away my sin and I felt so unworthy.
The real test came after training camp. I had no urge for like 2 weeks and I was sleeping without music and I had felt no oppression, but for some reason I wanted to test the waters. I ended up telling a fellow teammate and I asked her to pray for me because I felt myself getting weak again. At that time she was the only person who knew my struggle. I wanted to see if Jesus really took it away or if was in my head. One night I was feeling lonely again so I watched and that night I woke up feeling oppressed and I literally heard a demon in my room. I was like okay Lord, I’m sorry take it, I’m done. From that night forward I have not felt the urge to watch pornography or felt a sense of loneliness. God has completely taken away my sin and I have not had to deal with it anymore. He had to reassure me of that last month in Swaziland. I knew that Swazi was a high witchcraft area and I put up a wall before going there. I had dealt with oppression before and I didn’t want to again. I was praying to him one night and he told me that I shouldn’t be afraid to be in Swazi because he has taken away my oppression before and I will not have to face it anymore. The Lord keeps His word and He gives you the desires of your heart. He has redeemed me and I have never felt better! He totally took it away and porn is no longer a struggle for me.
It all comes down to trusting Him and fully letting go of your sin. Pornography is no easy sin to deal with. I was always told that it hooks you in and the more you watch the harder it is to stop and I said to myself, “I can stop if I want to, it’s not that bad.” LIES LIES LIES!!! Porn destroys families, dreams, and keeps you from giving your full potential to the Lord. You cannot stop on your own. I encourage you to give it FULLY to the Lord. You’d be amazed what He will do through you and the redemption you will find if you do.
