———————————————————————————————————-
Dear Tumblers,
I cannot thank you all enough for what you guys did for me last night. It hurt and was difficult for all of us, but it was exactly what I needed. I thank you all for having the courage to say what needed to be said.
First off, I wanted to apologize to you guys as my team. I know I haven't been the greatest leader these past few months, and I can point fingers and shift blame as much as I want, but in reality, you guys are right: those are not excuses to be made, they were obstacles to overcome. I have known for quite a while now that I struggle with my pride. Looking back at the Philippines, I knew that my pride was going to be an obstacle to overcome as team leader. The truth is, I haven't really addressed it yet. I've been telling myself I have, but that just compounded the issue.
My pride makes me want to hang on to leadership to feel like I am a "somebody" in the midst of the squad. My pride makes me crave the information and knowledge that comes with being a team leader. And my pride makes it even more difficult to even begin to think how to explain why I am stepping down as team leader.
As your team leader, I often saw you guys as my ministry. I used that excused to somewhat distance myself from our actual ministry, and consequently feeling like I missed out on that. But at the same time, I haven't been fully operating as if you guys are my ministry.
I really haven't been serving you guys well lately and for that I am deeply sorry. I also haven't been following through with what the Lord has been telling me. Like last month, I voiced at the beginning of the month that I felt like I wasn't supposed to be leader for the month, but I never pressed into that. And that is something that doesn't just affect me, but all of you as a part of this team.
While praying about whether or not I should remain leader, I felt that God was telling me that I need to be able to screw up without the weight of the whole team weighing on my every decision. As leader, these past few months I felt like I was under the microscope and my every move was being evaluated (where that came from exactly, I'm not sure). I don't know why I am so scared to screw up in such a grace-laden community. I guess it could be that I love you all so much that I don’t want to let you down. God affirmed to me that I am a competent leader, and I don't see these last few months as a failure. Looking back, there are a lot of things I wish I would have done differently, but what's done is done. And God is using it all for our good (crazy how he can redeem our royal messes like that…). God told me I know how to lead, my pride is just getting in the way of implementing what I know.
In stepping down as leader, I felt at first that I was taking the easy way out, but then God opened my eyes to see that neither choice was going to be easy. They were just difficult in different ways. After God told me I know how to lead and am a competent leader, I knew that He wanted me to press into my pride issue, which meant stepping down. I love you all and will still be praying for you and caring for you just as I have been. One thing I've learned as team leader, you don't have to have a title to care about your teammates.
So here starts another season of this crazy amazing Race. For me, a season of intercession, loving to the fullest, and screwing up! I love you all and can't wait to see what this next season has for us! Please continue to be praying for me and PLEASE continue to call me out and give me the hard feedback. I need it.
Thank you for realigning my perspective and helping me see that the Race (and life in general) is about so much more than the Race and whether I "succeed" as a leader or not. I want to continue to cultivate relationships that will far outlast the duration of this Race! So that is what I will be pressing in to these next four months.
I love you all and am so thankful for each one of you! It is such a privilege to have had to opportunity to lead you guys for four months!
