Tomorrow I will be leaving the hotel at 8am to board a plane to Guatemala City. Sunday morning, we will drive out to Santa Cruz del Quiche, about 3-4 hours outside the city to our ministry contact. There, we will be spending the month working alongside our contact, Agape in Action, all the while living in tents. Oh, and did I mention that L squad in its ENTIRETY will be spending the whole first month together! We are so beyond blessed having the founder of AIM, Seth Barnes and his wife, Karen, as squad coaches. We are going to be a ground breaking squad doing mighty things for the kingdom!!
"Adventures start away from home."
It is only "officially" day 2 of the Race and God has already begun to break me, shape me, and mold me into the person He has created me to be. While on the World Race, ‘feedback’ is a huge part of the growing process. Daily, we will come together as a team (that’s six of us on my team) and call each other out on the good, the bad, and the ugly of the day – all in love and longing to raise up the man/woman we are meant to be. Today was our first feedback session; although it was prompt and had several interruptions, truth was spoken into each one of us.
I cannot believe the work that God is ALREADY doing in me. I don’t even fully know these people I call me teammates, my new family, but they have already been listening to God, observing my life, and speaking words to me that God has given them. Feedback today was piercing. I started out by asking my team “How can I better serve you as my teammates?” Each and every one of my teammates hit on a BIG issue in my life; the SAME big issue in my life. You know, that issue that you know you have but no one, even your closest friends never acknowledge. For me, it is my façade of always having it all together, always having the answers, and always being happy.
The thing about feedback, and life really, is that you can’t control what other people perceive about your actions; you can only control how you react to the feedback. I was floored by the fact the God was already bringing up issues for me to deal with. I don’t even know my teammates yet, God, are you really asking me to put down my guard already?? I pondered on the feedback I received the entire day. Then tonight, after hearing a phenomenal testimony to the power of the presence of God, I knew I was holding back. I was holding God back from what He wanted to use me for, and I was holding out on my team. I felt hollow inside of a fake façade, and my teammates were already seeing that I was holding back. I could feel the power of the Holy Spirit boiling up inside of me, but it couldn’t escape. My callused façade was holding it in and keeping other people out.
I didn’t want to let go of my mask that I hid behind so well. I struggled, and cried with God about it for a long time. I knew it was something I had to do and God was telling me I had to do it NOW, before I left the country. If I didn’t, it would affect my ministry and it would affect my team. I finally turned it over to God. But the thing is, I don’t know how to be anything but strong. I don’t know what it looks like to not hide behind my mask. As I laid face down on the floor, I was slowly giving it up to the Lord. I watched as He slowly chipped it away with a chisel, like he was carving me out of this cast of a mask: bringing me back to life.
Now I am FREE! I know that it is perfectly OK not to have the answers. It is perfectly OK not to have it all together. Tears are beautiful! My teammates are here for me to lean on, and even if God has to push my over to lean on them, I WILL lean on them. I know that they are there to catch me and uphold me.
:: I am not strong because of my physical/intellectual strength, but because of what God has done for me and His presence that FOREVER lives inside me. ::
