** Although this post is written for women, it is equally applicable for men.
Sadly, I grew up in a culture where “what he doesn’t know won’t hurt him” is a phrase to live by. I noticed that secrecy, lies, and manipulation were a way of life between men and women. This, a large reason, in my opinion, for the high rate of divorce in America, fueled my disbelief in successful marriages. In my older years, I attempted to combat this problem in relationships with honesty and complete vulnerability. In an attempt to avoid a bed of lies, I found myself in a state of dependency.
How did I get here?
It wasn’t until my journey on the World Race that I began learning what it looks like to live out the overused Christian quote to “guard your heart.” At training camp, I heard for the first time the term “soul ties.” In ignorance of what this fully meant, I dismissed the need to break any soul ties to specific men. However, very early on in my journey on the Race, the Lord revealed my need to break soul ties, not just to one man but to men in general. He showed me that my desire to be loved by a man had outgrown my desire to be loved by God. He also showed me that my desire to be open and honest with men had caused me to open places of my heart that were designed only to be entered by God and my future husband.
So what is a soul tie then?
A soul tie is defined as a relationship between two people that enters into a dangerous level of intimacy by giving away pieces of yourself (physically, emotionally, or spiritually) only designed for God and your spouse. This can be done by sharing your deepest struggles, feelings, and desires with another person.
I am learning how to create boundaries – walls you create between you and another person, especially of the opposite sex. Having boundaries is a state of awareness and carefulness in what you share with another person. These can include topics of conversation that are better left undiscussed in great detail, for example, past physical relationships. Even conversations in deep detail about the personal things the Lord is telling you often need to be protected. Boundaries are a good way to protect yourself from entering into levels that can turn healthy relationships into soul ties.
Guarding your heart can include more than creating boundaries with men. It can include being careful about what you allow into your heart and mind. For example, if you are struggling with lust, watching Magic Mike XXL with the girlfriends.. probably not a good idea. If you are struggling with a desire to be loved by a man more than by God, watching the Notebook or reading a Nicholas Sparks book probably isn’t a good idea for the moment either.
Guarding your heart is about respecting your heart (and your body). It comes from a place of true understanding that you are a daughter of Christ. You are His beloved. He delights in the sight of you. Knowing these things leads to knowing the kind of love that He offers us as daughters. Not only does he love us as a father loves his children. As the bride of Christ, He loves us as a husband loves his wife.
This was a hard concept for me to learn. God is often referred to as our Lord, our Savior, and even our Father, but my husband? That’s a little much.
However, Christ indeed loves us like this. As little girls we dream of the day our Prince Charming will ride up on his white horse and sweep us off of our feet. Every romance novel and chick flick is designed to capture the part of our heart that yearns to be loved. Yet, our desire for love is not designed to be our weakness, our biggest heartbreak, or our downfall. For the Lord has created us this way for a purpose. HE is our night and shining armor.
For all of you Redeeming Love fans out there, the way Michael Hosea so romantically loves and fights for Angel is written as a modern day story of how God romantically pursues us. Every time we run away and seek fulfillment outside of Him, He comes after us. Every time our endeavors leave us empty, brokenhearted and filthy, He picks us up off of the floor and welcomes us home once more.
In the book of Hosea, He says “she doesn’t realize it was I who gave her everything she has… She put on her earrings and jewels and went out to look for her lovers but forgot all about me… But I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope. She will give herself to me there, as she did when she was young, when I freed her from her captivity. When that day comes, you will call me ‘my husband’ instead of ‘my master.’
Only when we can fully grasp the way God passionately loves us, can we grasp the way we deserve to be loved by a man.
“The relationship you think you want is with a guy, but the relationship you really want is with God.”
Only when we allow God to romance us and love us the way we desire for a man to love us, will we ever be fully satisfied in God alone.
This is a journey I am still on. Learning to guard your heart isn’t a lesson to be learned over night, but one that takes practice and making mistakes. However, the places of my heart that I once let be filled by men are now being replaced by the love of the Lord. He is making His home in my heart. Just like in a relationship, on the days I don’t spend quality time with Him, I miss him. In the moments that the desire for a relationship burns brightly, I remind myself that men come and go but the love of the Lord will last forever.
Even the rest of our lives with our husbands will never compare to the amount of time we spend with the Lord; it starts at birth and goes on for eternity.
{For men bring bouquets of flowers, while God gives us fields of our favorite flowers. Men take us to see sunsets, while God paints arrays of colors in the sky for us.}
