Today, I woke up lit on fire for my Heavenly Father. One decision to check my bible app’s verse of the day before checking social media led me to:
Isaiah 1:18 “Come now, let’s settle this,” says the Lord.“ Though your sins are like scarlet, I will make them as white as snow. Though they are red like crimson, I will make them as white as wool.”
If that doesn’t fire you up, I don’t know what will. As I sit here sorting through checks and support letters that have come in the mail over the past weeks I am in awe of how faithful God is. I mean, I don’t deserve this (as I voice aloud). My Heavely Father sweetly whispers into my ear “exactly.” He sees the thoughts in my head before they even come out of my mouth — the idea that in the past, or at one time, I was a much better servant for Him. At one time I followed Him so fervently and faithfully; I begged for Him to chose me and use me then. Why would he choose now when I’m so filthy and ragged? I’ve made so many mistakes. I’ve distinctly turned my back on Him repeatedly. I’ve spit on His blood He poured over me, in rejection of its worthiness to cover my sins.
Undeserving and partly unwillingly I found myself at Training Camp for the World Race — a long held fantasy of mine. However, when I chose to give up on Him is when He chose to say yes? My heart, upon arrival at training camp, was dusty. Empty from any substance yet filled with dirt that seems to be filling some corners. I spent the first few days feeling separated from the group. I, unfaithful to my extrovert tendencies, spent all of our “free time” to myself – wondering why I felt like I didn’t quite fit in to the puzzle here. I didn’t see it, but each day my heart was being swept out by my Heavenly Father. He was pruning me for the abundance He was going to fill my heart with.
Each session we discussed in worship hit hard subjects for me:
• Bitterness: we walked into service this night to Andy Mineo’s “Bitter” playing. I turned over my shoulder in expression of my adoration for the song and lightheartedly told my squad mate how this song depicted my life. However, once the message dropped, the air became thicker. I became aware of all the bitterness in a lack of the father I desire, that I have been blessed with. This was the first night God began busting down walls in me.
• Shame: this night destroyed me // I thought I was fine. I was open and honest and broken and vulnerable the night before in the area of bitterness. I knew I had things to forgive but what is this emotion rising up in me now? As I began to sob uncontrollably I got on my knees to pray and ask what God wanted to reveal in me that was identifying with these testimonies before me. God showed me something living in me that I never admitted to myself was there. Shame // Self-hatred // he used an instance that happened a couple of weeks ago to show me this revelation.
[ I want pause and to bring light to this subject because I think a lot of times we don’t talk about it… and it needs to be talked about]
// I left the wedding and began my drive home aware of the void inside. One of my dearest friends just married the man of her dreams. Why am I feeling so unhappy? Why are tears running down my face? In an attempt to run from the pain I text/called/snapchatted every friend I knew back home to look for trouble to get into as soon as I returned. If I could just find something to distract me for the night I would be okay in the morning. Yet, the tears became bigger and stronger the longer I drove. The more I reached out, the more rejection I felt. My tears had now turned into an I can’t see the road or hardly catch my breath cry as I picked up the phone to call my brother. In one instant I was fully aware of all of the pain in my life as I voiced aloud to him over the phone. The words that came out of my mouth next not even I expected “I just wish I could be peaceful like Jordan. I want to drive off of the road right now and be with Jordan.” Unaware to me of how true this sentence was at the moment, as my brother begged me to pull over on the side of the road and pray. I did not. I lied to get him off the phone and continued in a speedy dangerous path in the pouring rain with smeared makeup blurring my vision and burning my eyes. //
I made it home that night.
The more my brother tried to push the topic to discuss “sucidial thoughts” with me, the more I brushed it off as my overdramatic personality. However, kneeling in tears at training camp I now realize that I meant every word I said. I wanted my life to end. I had found myself at a place where I could find no satisfaction. —
Why God??
“Your identity” He tells me. How did I truly identify myself? I pondered on this for a while and came to an honest conclusion.
Damaged. Unworthy. Why did I feel this way?? The truth is that I experienced abuse in my childhood. The kind that no one speaks about and you fear anyone ever finding out. That’s how it happened for me at least, considering I didn’t tell my mom until I was a junior in college. It was something I thought was long behind me — it only happened a few times but was enough to leave a lasting scar. The devil used it to pile on heaps and heaps of shame through secrecy. If no one ever knows, then no one ever knows the true Kimberly, and if they did, they wouldn’t love her. However, it has held such a dark stronghold on my life for far too long. 22 years is a long time to hold in a secret that massive, and I had gotten so tired of carrying it. Yet, this is how I viewed myself. At my core, this is why I am unlovable. “No one will ever want to carry this weight with me. If anyone ever knew the skeletons in my closet they’d run” were thoughts that controlled my mind. “It’s who I am.”
So, shame: I understand it.
• Freedom: the night our squad was taken miles from site and challenged to build our campire, cook dinner, and build shelter before nightfall (which was a complete success). As 43 of us stood around the campfire that night, the Holy Spirits presence was evident. We spent hours singing praise to our God. We took prayer requests and prayed healing over people. After about 3 people had asked for physical healing, I began to feel the “Holy Spirit heartbeat.” You know, when God is probing you to do something you don’t want to do and your heart starts pounding and you feel a knot in your stomach. He wanted me to step out and ask for healing, yet not for a physical illness. He wanted me to share with these 43 people my feelings of unworthiness. “Lord, that’s private!” I so ignorantly argued with the creator of the universe. After a significant amount of time passed, the nausea in my stomach had become enough to force me to step out. I had no idea what to say and I mostly cried but I remember the words “Unworthy” coming out of my mouth. Then someone asked if anyone else felt this way — a multitude of people joined me in the center of the circle and linked arms with me who had believed the lies that we are unworthy. In that moment Christ affirmed this is why I had to step out; this was not just for me but for many.
People, I want to tell you… Chains were broken that night. Chains that will never be put back on. My God and my team poured out their affection on us and swarmed my heart. We each took turns screaming to the distant twinkling stars “I AM WORTHY” until we believed it for ourselves. It was the most freeing thing I have ever done. God continually spoke over me “You are my daughter. I have chosen you with a purpose. I intricately designed every part of you. I have bought you with my blood. You are so beautiful in my eyes. You are so worthy. You are my daughter. That’s who you are.” As we all stood around the crackling campfire that began to dwindle and the brisk cold set in, we knew that we each experienced God that night.
So as I sit at home on the couch sorting through mail, I am reminded that this has been done in His perfect order. All things are made perfect in His timing. He has chosen me and He will use me – not because I’m spotless, but because I have been washed clean.
I am (His) worthy daughter.
“My chains are gone. I’ve been set free. I am redeemed!!!”
Yours truly,
KP
