In the past week, fundraising has kind of been stressing me out. Every morning, I hash it out with God during my quiet time. Time and time again he comforts and consoles me, giving me a pep talk to get me through. Today was no different, except at the end of it, he took me to the parable of the lost son and showed me how far He’s brought me.
Luke 15:11-31 -The Parable of the Lost Son
While I understood its intent and purpose, this story used to irk the crap out of me. See, most people relate on a personal level with the younger son and rejoice in his coming home -kind of the point of it, I think. Me, on the other hand, I tended to sympathize with the older brother. I felt like his reaction to the celebration was totally justified. I sat under that tree with him, arms crossed and pouting, supporting his protest of the unfair favoritism. I mean if anyone deserved a big party with feasting and dancing, it was him, right?
Growing up, I sympathized with the older brother because I felt like I was the good and faithful child, doing all the right things to be a “good christian.” Feelings of entitlement led me to believe that I deserved to be celebrated and rewarded for these efforts.
Looking back at how I used to view this parable, I learned some things. About 2 years ago, I realized through counseling how I was projecting my culture onto my relationship with God. We are surrounded by transactions -do this to earn that. Sayings like “nothing comes free in this world” are grilled into our heads from a young age. This transactional mindset overflows into our relationships. “It’s your turn to get up with the kids.” “I’m so proud of you for getting straight A’s!” “Since he took me to dinner, I guess I owe him this…”
My gut reaction to the parable showed me how enslaved I was to this mindset of transactional love. I felt like the younger son didn’t deserve all of that. It wasn’t fair.
So, when my life and my plans fell apart (or at least I felt like they did because the thing that I had idolized and put my hope in, my marriage, came crashing down), I was kind of resentful. Because transactional love was so deeply rooted in me, I thought I had done everything right and this wasn’t what I deserved. I had lived according to “the rules”. A + B wasn’t equalling C that I expected, and I didn’t like that one bit.
Frustrated, I asked the question, “What’s the point in following the rules if you’re not rewarded in the end?” And then I took what I had and walked away. I still occasionally went to church and came to God when I was really low and looking for comfort, but I decided not to follow the rules anymore. I bought into the worldly view of college life, indulging in partying and drinking -a lot.
I was still married at this point -it was during the 2 years that I lived in the darkness of the secret that was suffocating me (read more about this in my Remarried blog). I tend to call this season “The Dark Ages”.
This season finally came to a close along with my marriage. At this point, I was left with nothing and began to realize the error of my ways. At the bottom of my barrel, I came running back to God, and He rejoiced in me. He pursued me continuously over the next year, showering me with His love. I didn’t deserve it at all, having turned my back on Him for years, but He lavished me in spite of it all. His grace and mercy came free, I didn’t have to accomplish anything to earn it.
Now I had become the younger son in the story. I have such an appreciation for the parable from this angle. And when I look back at it, I can realize that I never really was the older son anyways. I wasn’t really obeying God and living faithfully with Him, I was selfishly living and trying to make it look nice and shiny on the outside, hoping He wouldn’t notice.
GOD’S LOVE IS NOT TRANSACTIONAL.
His love is so much more. He showers us with so much more love than we deserve -ALWAYS. Because as sinners, we deserve death and eternal punishment. But as an amazing Father, He forgives us and lavishes us with His blessings, celebrating our return to Him.
What are you doing with the blessing of life that He is giving you?
I’m choosing not to squander it. My goal is to overflow that love onto every person I come in contact with. (Read more on how God is calling me forward in this season in my What’s Next blog).
If you are anything like me, I beg for you to stop trying to earn His love and embrace it full heartedly as the gift that it is. It is through this shift in perspective that He ushered me into a deeper and more fulfilling relationship with Him. One that allows me to talk to him throughout the day and rejoice in the beauty of this world, trusting in His provisions despite what I really deserve.
