I’m going to put myself out there and be open and vulnerable with you guys today. I’m going to share a huge portion of my testimony and what God is doing with it lately.
A year ago this weekend, life as I knew it changed completely.
About 10 years ago, the boy who I would give everything to came into my life. I was 14, and I fell hard and fast. We were attached at the hip. During these formative years in my life, I based my identity on being half of this dynamic duo. We were young, but we knew we had something special. No matter what people told us, we had decided that we were going to defy all odds and be the ones that last.
Right after I turned 20, we got married. Here I was thinking I had done everything right. I was a Christian girl, marrying the first Christian boy she fell in love with. We waited for marriage, and I was sure that God would bless us for it.
A year and a half into our marriage, my husband came home one day in tears, telling me he had to talk to me. I prepared for the worse, but still wasn’t prepared for the words that were to follow…”I think I’m gay.”
Wait, what? This isn’t how it was supposed to be. I followed all the rules. I didn’t believe in divorce. I didn’t even really know anything about same sex attraction, let alone have a real opinion of my own about it. What was I supposed to do?
The next two years, I struggled a lot in my relationship with God. I still believed in Him and went to church occasionally, but I was searching for something to fill a void. Religion wasn’t what I thought it was this whole time. So, I turned to the world to satisfy me, desperately seeking the attention I wasn’t receiving in my marriage -what I had based my identity around. I stayed married because I felt like I couldn’t fall back on this commitment I had made. Biblically, did I have a reason to walk away? I also couldn’t talk about it with anyone because my husband was ashamed and didn’t want anyone to know. These were two years full of loneliness, self doubt and hate, depression, and confusion. I would put on a happy face the best I could around others while I was secretly so disappointed with where my life had ended up.
A year ago, there I was, playing the wife role. Ironically, I had cooked my husbands favorite meal and had people over to entertain for dinner. My husband had run out for a bit for work, and with my friends still there with me, I came across it. Undeniable evidence that my husband was having an affair… with a man.
I spent the next couple of weeks not wanting to work on my marriage anymore, but still willing to. I wanted to be able to stand in front of God and say I did everything I could to save it. Ultimately, he wasn’t willing to turn away from that lifestyle or relationship.
As I lost my best friend, the one person I had been completely myself around, I felt empty and completely broken. Who was I supposed to be without him? I began to realize how I had idolized our relationship and put him above all else -including God. I became so dependent on my husband, I didn’t depend on God. I had hit rock bottom, and with the help of family and friends, God used this next season to begin building me from the ground up and introduce me into a true relationship with him -one not base around following rules, but on love, grace, and mercy. I was free, and it felt amazing.
Before training camp, I was talking with God about what a relationship with him tangibly looks like. I asked Him to pursue me because I was longing to be pursued. Of course he answered.
At training camp, we had spent a session learning about listening to God and prophesying over others. It was time to put it into practice. I went up to a girl who was on my squad (and now on my team!) who I had never talked to before and laid my hand on her shoulder. Her eyes were closed; so she never saw who she was praying over. She began to explain how she saw me as a child in a white dress that looked like a wedding dress, and God was holding me in his arms. That was a beautiful picture to me as I began to hear God redeem my marriage and divorce and begin breaking me free from the shame and guilt I carry from it. Later that week, I was talking to a fellow racer from a different squad, and during the conversation he kind of stopped and said, “As we’re talking, I was asking for some guidance from the spirit, and He’s showing me an image of you absolutely beautiful in a wedding dress. He is telling you that you are his bride.” Twice in one week?! At this point, it’s not just some coincidence.
So, coming back from training camp, I decided I needed to be more intentional about spending time with God. I made plans to have a Starbucks “date” with Him, and just be in his presence and search Him out. But then I got caught up in life and kept putting it off and coming up with excuses not to go. Eventually, I had made plans with a friend to catch up at Starbucks. When he stood me up, I pulled out my Bible app, and decided to FINALLY spend some time with Him. God made our date happen himself after I had blew him off for weeks. It just so happened to be on the book of Ruth, which I had started to read a month before and never finished. I read it through once and didn’t really get it. Normally, I would move on, but God told me to try again. So, I switched translations and read through it again. I understood the details a little better but still didn’t grasp what the deeper meaning was. He told me to keep going. So I googled a Bible study for Ruth, and the one God pointed me to broke it down verse by verse and opened my eyes to this beautiful relationship between Boaz and Ruth as a comparison of a marriage between Jesus and I. I could hear God whispering to me,”This is what it looks like, Kim. You are mine.” It was such an amazing affirmation to have Him respond to my prayer for pursuit through two of my fellow racers AND his word.
So here I am, finding my identity in Him. I am remarried to Christ and freed by it. I share this with you to bring it into the light. I do not want to be ashamed of my past because that means the enemy has a hold on it. Guilt and shame are his specialty. I have a huge heart for the church being a place for the lost and broken. I am passionate about how important it is to bring your struggle and pain into the light because if you hide it in the darkness, it will fester and grow. My one regret in my marriage is that I spent those 2 years in darkness.
I urge you to grow into a true marriage with Christ and bring your struggles and pain before Him and brothers and sisters you can trust.
