I have been avoiding this blog for about 3 months but I would be lying if I said I was planning on writing one last blog for you guys. So I sit here tonight at 1 am forcing myself to blog because I know I’m supposed to do it.
I could try to put into words how my time home has been but I can tell you that it won’t be pretty or easy. My head can’t even understand it. The last 3 months have been some of the hardest months of my life. In my many different ways. Coming home was really good, I was so happy to see everyone and really excited to get home and go back to normal. But what used to be my normal wasn’t the normal anymore. What I forgot was people changed and lived there lives back home too. I changed as well so I’m not sure where my thinking went wrong on this one 😉
And if I’m being completely honest I feel like my whole life just came and ran right over me. Satan has been full force. I have failed a lot. Questioned a lot. And have cried many many many many tears. I sit here writing this blog in tears because it’s hard for me to put on paper how I’m really feeling. Many late nights of wonder. But I’m so thankful for my best friend T!! Seriously though praise Jesus that he blessed me with the bestest friend. We had many nights of late night drives blasting music and eating ice cream. It’s so good for the soul. I can’t tell you how many times I just drove around and sung at the top of my lungs to my worship playlist. I think some days it’s the only thing that kept me sane.
I came home thinking my life was going to be one way and discovering that it was going to be completely different. (A lot) Harder then I care to admit. I think I have questioned God the most times in such a small period of time. But it’s weird because I have also had so much faith in God. I have been filled with hope and also disappointment. Disappointment about my current life and also disappointment about my future. I’m confused and lost and I’m not sure where I wanna be in the next year or so. I have nothing long term planned and I change my mind about something everyday.
I guess this is God saying Kenz I have better for you and you need to trust me.
It’s hard to see past all the pain and hurt but I trust the Lord has a plan. I trust that in this next season of joy and freedom I will find out where I’m supposed to be.
So as I sit here in tears at 1 am and I still have hope that all this is for something. Something greater than I can imagine. Details that I wouldn’t even think to think about, I know Gods got all that.
My go to song in a lot of late night jams is Pieces by Amanda Cook. She talks about Gods love and his heart. How he gives his heart to us fully. He hides nothing. It also reminds me of the love I am so deserving of both by Jesus and by the man the Lord has for me.
Though this update wasn’t what I wanted to share with you guys, I know that God is good always and I can’t wait to see what I will be doing in the upcoming months/years.
