As I sit here under my mosquito net soaking up my month nine
in Uganda, I keep finding myself replaying this journey over and over in my
head. It provokes several emotions but the most consistent emotion is
gratitude. “Thank God, I’m having an intervention.”
The
process of replaying this journey is taking a close look where I was exactly
one year from today. I examine my heart, my thoughts, and who I thought I was
then. One year ago, I was a young
woman out of college nestled in a dream job working for a great interior design
company. I was active in my church
and attended a small group for women.
I believed Christianity required a constant effort from my part every
single day. I had a mindset that
if I could just make it through the day showing a “woman of God” and not mess
up then I did great for the day.
The problem was two things. I was trying to be the other women I looked
up to. These women were always perfect. They were constantly polite, joyous,
generous, and well composed. Their
hair was always in place. They never looked stressed or emotional. They were the All-American Christian
women in my eyes and if I wanted to be a woman of God then it should look like
them. The second problem was I
didn’t show grace when I couldn’t fulfill that role. I was so incredibly hard
on myself and because of that I never felt worthy.
For
the last seven years, I have written God love letters. My letters are composed
of all kinds of things: prayers, thoughts, etc. One prayer I would write every
time was to become a woman of God. I would write down all the ways that I
thought a woman of God was suppose to be and I would ask God for His
supernatural ability to please help me.
It would have to be a supernatural experience, because I was failing
miserably in my eyes. I remember
right before I left on the race writing my letter and asking God to make me
into a Woman of God. After I wrote that prayer, I just stared at it. I began to cry. Seven years I’ve been
striving to become a woman of God and I was still searching for it. “Why God do
you want me for the race?!” I
truly believed I didn’t have much value to offer to anyone. I signed up for the
race because God gave me the heart for it and that was all I had to go off of.
One year ago, I was not confident
in who I was. I was aimlessly wondering and uncertain about everything. I was
terrified to pray out loud in my small group. I didn’t offer many opinions in
my study because I didn’t have weight in my words. I had no understanding of
the Holy Spirit or identity.
I loved God the best I knew how at the time but looking back now it was
so shallow. He was my abstract Father in Heaven looking down at me.
If I continued down the track I was
heading, I believe it would have been so empty. The crazy part is I was a
Christian girl active in church and had a balanced life. However, my perception of myself and my
relationship with God, was completely screwed up.
For
this journey God has pulled me upon his lap. Piece by piece, He has been
showing me all the things He sees in me. Together we have been shaping the
woman of God that I have always been, but never believed in. He completely
erased every lie, fear, and cloud that was hanging over my head. The most beautiful revelation God spoke
over me earlier in the race was I’ve always been a woman of God. In those seven
years, I allowed the enemy to reign in my perception of myself. However the
truth is, I was a woman of God in my mess. I was a woman of God in my
processing and I am a woman of God now!
I was trying on other shoes. I had an
inaccurate view of God, therefore I had a completely wrong perception of
myself. I’m gritty, rough around the edges. I’m never satisfied with routine
expectations. I’m curious. I’m impatient. I don’t have everything together.
These are MY shoes and they are perfectly fitted the way God designed them to
fit and now I love them!
Discovering my true identity as a
daughter from a high King has been the most life changing experience. I
understand my authority. I believe I shift atmospheres. My words bring life and
carry significant weight. Now that I walk fully in my inheritance, God has
spoken a bold calling over my life. I want to pursue full time ministry. My
calling is in leadership for my community.
Overall, I praise God for His
supernatural intervention. I
turned twenty-five this month and I’m so thankful He scooped me up to sit him
intimately and redirect the course of my life. Twenty-five is a pivotal point
in any young woman’s life and I’m so excited to have an awakening to the rest
of my life!
Thank you to all my supporters with your constant outpouring of love and prayers! This journey would of not be possible without you! Two months left til I return home!
