People Tried To Warn Me
I have had plenty of warning about Ghana. I have several friends who have been to this country before. All of them in more or less the same way tried to prepare me for what I was stepping into. “You will leave your heart there”, they all said so casually. I should’ve taken that more seriously.
Ghanians are some of the most joyous and generous people I’ve ever met. There are so many things I love about this country. These two and half weeks have certainly matched the high praises my well traveled friends gave. Two of my teammates and I all cried happy tears within minutes of arriving. In addition to falling in love, this month has continued to show the flaws in the expectations I had for the Race and how God wants to use me.
I found my biggest struggle in the Ivory Coast followed me across the boarders. I can’t help feeling like I’m not doing enough. I have set unbelievable expectations for myself that I couldn’t possibly meet. I expected the race to be “roughing it”. (Now I know that I’m only on month two, so it’s possible things can change..)However, we have had incredible accommodations since launch. That might not seem like a problem for most but for me it’s been a struggle.
I expected 12 hour ministry days in 100+ degrees. I expected sleeping in tents and 7 hour church services. Yet, I have discovered even if those conditions were my reality it doesn’t make me closer to God. Let, me clarify: Ghana is no vacation. We do ministry 5 days a week, attend 2 church services & 2 bible studies. So why the struggle? I have been striving to make my supporters proud. I have been striving to make the most the opportunities here. I have confused sacrifice for self inflicted misery. I still don’t know what real rest looks like. I have somehow fooled myself that if I work tirelessly I can sleep better knowing I have accomplished things. I found times where I was despising myself for watching a movie on down time because I didn’t teach the entire day. I hated taking naps because I should be making the most of every hour so as to not have any regrets down the road. Over and over the words “not enough” crossed my mind.
“Not enough time spent at ministry”
“Too much time wasted”
“Didn’t work hard enough”
“We haven’t prayed enough”
“I haven’t done enough to bless people”
I finally poured out all my feelings when I was guilt ridden for leaving church with a headache from the music so loud you could hear it at the end of the long road halfway home. I felt so guilty that I couldn’t suffer through church that was only a few hours when we had an off day already. I came back to the house to sit with Kelsey who had stayed home sick as well and blurted out all my frustrations. As the words came out of my mouth I realized how ridiculous they sounded. I am exhausted. Yet, somehow I even felt guilty for being exhausted because I didn’t feel I had enough reason to be as tired as I was. In reality, I am tired of fighting. As ironic as it is…I am tired of resisting rest. I felt I had to earn being tired. I so desired that feeling of being drained from a long hard productive day. Yet, what I am doing can’t be measured.
This month and really the race itself is about PEOPLE. For example, Rosemary who works at the “Glory Jesus Cold Store” (yes the real name of the store) who clearly loves when we come and visit. She told Jenna and Erica that every time they came it was like angels stepped in the room. She told us we were interesting people because we talk with such “freedom”. I’m not sure exactly what we meant but I like to believe she saw God in us even without us ever preaching the gospel.
I may not have something to show for teaching first grade. I can’t get tangible proof of the joy we spread laughing with our host family for an evening. Maybe we can look up at the second story of the school and say “we helped carry 100 of those cinderblocks to the top” but that doesn’t make it any more valuable of work. While I won’t always be able to have physical evidence to show for my work I am learning that it is indeed an investment. We are planting seeds all around this city. Turning my inadequacies to God I have begun to see how everything here can yield fruit. There is great return on investment in prayer and encouragement. There is so much that be said for imparting wisdom and love to children no matter their age. Just like in the Ivory Coast our lives are a great testament to encourage others to live missionally.
Our ministry host and his wife remind us everyday (if not several times a day) of how much of a blessing we are to them. My team continues to try and argue with them they have been way more of a blessing to us. But as my teammate Jenna so eloquently said “I’m figuring out more and more what people tried to describe all along. The race isn’t about doing stuff…it’s about coming along side of people in what they’re already doing and building relationships. That’s what the blessing is.”
Kelsey so gently pointed out that being “iron woman” and working myself like a dog doesn’t make me more worthy of the generous donations people have made to get me here. I am so grateful for all of the generosity that has allowed me to be here because people believe in me, not just in my work ethic. I realize now that my true friends probably don’t really think bucket showers make for a better missionary. I also know that most of my friends are probably glad to hear I have showered more on the race than I do at home.#sadbuttrue
I’m not exactly sure where all these struggles have been coming from, I’m not exactly an “achiever” personality normally but I am glad to have these revelations early on the race. Now, that I have a better perspective I have come to see the many blessings we have been given so far, particularly the beds and running water, are just that…blessings. Some of my squad mates have had 12 hour work days or slept in tents already this month and things just looks different for my team. I am fully expecting a lot of different situations in the future but I am glad for God’s gentle reminder that suffering doesn’t make me more qualified.
I am still going to work hard and give this race all I’ve got but I have a healthier perspective now. I am here to do God’s work but I don’t have anything to prove to anybody else including myself.
The definition of surrender means to stop fighting, stop hiding, & stop resisting. And for me…sometimes rest looks like giving up. And contrary to what the world says about surrender…giving up is where I have found freedom.
Thank you so much for reading! Again, feel free to comment or to email me at [email protected] I love love love hearing from people. It’s so encouraging to hear from my supporters. I am still raising support in order to be fully funded. Any donations would be helpful to get me to my goal. Thank you so for all the love and support.
