I had an enlightening conversation about friendship, prelaunch, that sent me spiraling into a realm where deep lies, I didn’t know I had been believing, lived. Lies about the way my friends see me, lies about my value, and lies I believed about God.
The argument was made that you can’t call yourself a friend if you didn’t know anything about the other’s daily life. If you aren’t involved somehow in what their thoughts and daily life consist of, then you are merely acquaintances. In a desperate attempt to prove something (I’m not sure what) I argued that we hung out and we talked pretty often so I would consider us friends. But throughout the conversation, I found myself thinking, “They couldn’t possibly really care what goes on in my day to day life.” I am by no means trying to project that this person was rude and uncaring, but I truly believed my daily happenings, as well as my thoughts and struggles would be of no interest to this person. I believed my struggles weren’t important and that my feelings weren’t valued. When I examined that closer, I found something much deeper than I expected.
Through the goodbye process before I headed out for the Race, I had truly come to believe no one would miss me. The enemy had me diminishing my value to people. Even at an incredible goodbye party with dozens of attendees, I found myself feeling so unbelievably loved, yet I believed the lie that people only came to socialize.
Quality time is by far my #1 love language and yet I had been left feeling unfulfilled in many friendships. I have struggled with feeling ignored for a long time. Even when I would discuss my days extensively with my friends, I found myself feeling like nobody cared; people didn’t really want to know about me, the real me. Even in some of my closest friendships I wondered if they wished I would shut up. “How was your day” felt like a formality. Some of these feelings extended from being hurt by people, from being tuned out, from being ignored completely in my past. Some of these feelings were my insecurities and thoughts from the enemy filling my head. So I have been withholding. I have been hiding the REAL ME!
I realized that I had only been giving surface level to my friends. This might come as a shock, because I was still so involved and fairly vocal in conversations, so I’m not sure how much people have noticed. I started to talk less and less about how I was feeling and what was really happening in my heart. I started to talk more about meaningless things.
Hear me out on this: I HAVE AMAZING FRIENDS. I have begun to realize how I have been seeing things through the eyes of insecurities, through the lies I started to believe. However, recently I have learned to express some of my feelings and help people to know where I am at. Where I am truly at in my heart. I am starting to find that there is a balance between communication, helping others to grow in loving me, and asking people to help release my insecurities and fulfill my needs as a person. God has placed each of my friends in my life for a reason and they all love me in different ways. Although there are certain people I wish I had invested more time into before leaving, real time not just surface level time, because they are the people that are able to love me in ways nobody else can. I am grateful for people who ask questions. People who pursue me and want to get to know the real me and my story.
One thing that I am discovering about myself and my insecurities is that I have projected it all on God. My devotion had been lacking because I was not sure how much God really cared. I know God loves me, but I started to label him as unattached. I thought how could he possible care about the little things going on in my life? I know God is for me, I know He works miracles, but the lie I started to believe was, He does not care about the small stuff. He really doesn’t care what I did today or He does not care how I am feeling or where my head is at in the struggles of adjusting to race life.
NOW ENTER MY TEAM: WORTHY WARRIORS!
Cat or Catniss is our fierce leader. She is a physical and spiritual beast. She might come off shy at first, but she is not. She can get wild and laughs constantly. She has a ton of wisdom and experience with the Lord that she is imparting to our team. She has never lorded her authority over us, but really strives to be a servant leader. We have had a few one-on-one moments that I treasure deeply. I value her vulnerability and honesty.
Jenna or Jwat is the absolute sassiest person I’ve ever met. She is also the most observant. She might be a tiny woman, but she has a huge personality and a lot of love to give. She might not be the overly “sugary sweet” type, but when she compliments anyone she really means it. What I love the most about Jenna is her ability to look beyond the constructs of ministry Americans have been taught, and she serves everybody she comes in contact with.
Bethany is so sweet and ready to serve. Our house of 13 would probably be eating peanut butter and jelly everyday for a month without her. She is a mean cook and is wildly creative in making our meals. My favorite thing about her, is her ability to laugh at herself. She sings beautifully and knows so many old school songs to lead us in worship. I love her ability to say yes to getting outside her comfort zone and have seen so much growth in her in just this one month. She might be the slowest card player on the planet, but we love having her on our team.
Desiree/Des/“Desire” is quiet but incredibly selfless. Desiree and I were placed in every single team building activity together during training camp. She is so quiet and I was always so concerned that she might feel unheard, but what I have learned is she is just a woman of little words. (This baffles me.) I am constantly fascinated with what is going on in her head. She is so special and down for whatever. She has a great eye for photography and is always thinking about others. She has an incredible testimony, and it’s always a joy to peel back more and more of her story.
Erica or sometimes known as “Judy” (don’t ask) is my crazy goofy friend whose constant positivity astounds me. We have been close since the first day of training camp. She lets me invade her personal space and she invades mine just as much. In every situation, Erica has the ability to find the positive light in everything. She is the first to offer prayer and bring everything back to Jesus. She laughs every moment of the day and is the first to join a dance party with me. She is the Hufflepuff to my Slytherin. I love that she brings so much life to our team.
Then there is the other Kelsey, AKA KRob. Apparently I terrified her at training camp because I always looked like I was having deep conversations with people. And now it’s always me and her pouring our hearts out to each other in our bed, in our freezing room called “The Tundra”. We bonded over our love for Wisconsin cheese curds and that was that. She teaches me new card games and knows all the words to the “Lutheran Swag”. She might be the only person I’ve met who tears up at more things than I d,o but I love that about her. She is there for our team in whatever capacity she can be.
Last but not least Jami or “Le James” & Courtney Jo. While Jami and Courtney are not technically with the Worthy Warriors they are just as much part of our team. These fabulous squad leaders have changed my life so much in such a short amount of time. The chemistry we have is so organic I feel like I have known them my whole life. I am so incredibly grateful for leaders who ask questions and impart so much wisdom. We got the honor of having them on our team for a week this month and a few days here at debrief. Jami creates a safe space wherever she goes. She is trustworthy and exudes joy and beauty. She asks really good questions and isn’t phased by my sass. Courtney sees right through me no matter what. She understands “all my feels” she’s sees where I am at but also where I could be. She has all the wisdom because she walks so intimately with the Lord.
If God didn’t care about me, He wouldn’t have placed me with such an incredible people in my life. He knows me inside and out. He knows what I needed this year to grow. I am so grateful for each of my team members and the way that they love individually. They have all found a way to speak so much life into me this month. They pour out all that they are and it is beautiful to see.
Even more so, there are so many specific squad mates who speak so much life into my soul. I could probably name each one of my squad mates and at least one instance in which they have poured life into me and shown me they care. And to think at the beginning I didn’t know if anyone truly cared. Wow God, way to show the devil off.
When I ask God to have someone who can help me process what I am feeling, He sends someone around the corner within minutes. He sees my need for physical touch and placed others who hug me and cuddle me or even just play with my hair. It doesn’t seem like much, but God knows exactly what I need and exactly when I need it. One of my favorite passages is when Jesus raises Lazarus from the dead. Only God can raise people from death to life but He left the cloth bindings they had laid him in on, so he could have others help break them.
God uses other people to pour into my life and break the chains off. He does this because He cares. He cares so much. He cares so much about ME. I am so grateful to serve a personal God who knows me inside and out and cares deeply for ME. I have been able to openly share all of who I am without fear. There is no more fear of being unheard. There is no more fear of going deep. There is no more fear of going beyond surface level. There is no more fear that I have to withhold the real me from people. There is no more fear of being ignored. There is no more fear in being unloved. There is no more fear in being myself. Let me tell you that freedom is indescribable. Freedom is worth fighting for. When you start to realize God actually cares…IT CHANGES EVERYTHING.
Thank you so much for the prayers. Life in Africa is amazing. It comes in waves at times that I am really here. Life is simple here and God is doing big things. Keep your eye out for a whole blog more specifically about what else God has been up to not just in my own life. I know that I know that I know that this is where God wants me to me. However, in order to remain on the field I still need about $1,200 before the end of the month. I am over 66% funded and that is all because of my generous supporters. You can donate directly above in the link “support me” to help be a part of the amazing things God is doing throughout the globe! Thank you Thank you Thank you.
P.s. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE emails. Email me at [email protected] and I would love to stay in contact and share even more and hear about your life as well.
XOXO Kelsey G XOXO
