I was unsure of how this was going to go, to be quite honest, but it has been the perfect whirlwind romance with Father.
I was more than excited about moving into this new season with the men and women I had bonded with over social media, text, and phone calls more than I can put into words!
Wednesday night came and I got to actually lay eyes on their beautiful faces for the first time in person and my heart! Good grief, my heart! Alex could rest his arm on the top of my head like I were a high top table, Cole sounded like a radio announcer, Janea – got to actually hug this girl finally, and the rest of these guys seriously melted my heart. We sat down to eat tacos at this hole in the wall (all 11 of us) place in Atlanta. First of many meals together and it was glorious. We laughed and even cried. We made jokes and talked about kingdom. I never imagined it being this good.
After dinner we all piled into our vehicles and headed to Kelseys’ to get some of the girls bags and then go stay at my aunt and uncles for the night – one more “normal” night before being in our tents for the next 10 days wrapped in cold, eating community meals, amazing worship, freezing bucket showers, and crazy fun sleeping scenarios.
Thursday rolls around and more peeps start showing up. It was awesome! So many of us piled in the basement to deck out in purple and show that our squad understood what it meant to be unified and rock out squad wars – even if we would be hanging back and not really participating in much competition throughout the week.
Friday comes. What am I doing here? I had been wrestling with going on the race for a while but truly just thought it was maybe nerves from leaving the country. But that wasn’t it. I wasn’t nervous. I wasn’t scared – at all. But this question of what am I doing here became stronger. So, I sat in my tent that night and talked to Father about it – trying to figure out what the heck was happening. I was too much in my head to figure it out. Sleep. Need sleep!
Over the weekend I invested myself in my squad, the training, the meals, the cold and the worship – among other things. Still unsure of the uneasy feeling I had, I would talk to Father about it constantly.
At night I would crawl in my tent, throw on my wool Nepali socks that Diana brought me back, and lay there with my phone in my hand and tears running down my face. I didn’t understand what was happening and why I was feeling like this was not right.
Why do I feel like this?? I think I asked Di every night what was wrong with me because I was feeling so unsure of everything I had been so sure of for so long. Truth was that Father had been unfolding so much right in front of me. Unfolding my dreams and the things He had put in my heart such a long time ago. But what the heck? This doesn’t make sense. But come Sunday I actually felt like I wasn’t supposed to go with my squad. My heart was so heavy and I wrestled with this so hard but I knew better. Still I stayed because I was not clear on what to do and I didn’t want to step out of something I was supposed to stay in regardless of how I felt about it. I wanted to hear clearly from Father and was determined to stay until I KNEW otherwise.
Monday morning 5:45 rolls around and we get a wake up call from Cole. Our squad gets up, we grab our packs that we had readied the night before, and headed up to the main area to load the charter bus they had rented to take us an hour and a half away for the 2 day 18 mile hike up the Appalachian Trail.
Monday we did 12 of the 18 miles. I spent a lot of time alone this day. The guys all went before us and as we got on the trail, the girls split up into a couple groups. I somehow ended up in between both groups but I couldn’t hear or see either for very long periods of time. Father did that on purpose, I’m sure.
He began to talk to me about my life, my journey, what He has for me and why. He talked to me about my heart and the dreams He had put in me and asked me questions like “do you trust me with your life?” or “what are you willing to give up for me?” I have heard these questions a lot over the last couple of years but this time was different.
I realized that although I have trusted Him to get me this far, there is a deeper level of trust and surrender than I had given up to this point. I had asked for more and He wanted to give me more but I had to be willing to step out in a way that I would have never dreamed of doing. He was stirring a new thing in my heart, but I became frustrated.
“God! I have bonded with these guys on my squad and now you want me to walk away? Give up? Let go? I have raised money and fought my way to this place. I have put myself on the line, been laughed at, mocked, told I couldn’t do this, and that I am crazy and now you want me to walk away? Give up? Let go? This seems crazier to me than going on this trip to 11 different countries in 11 months not knowing what is going to happen.”
He answered me with questions. “Do you trust me with your life and how much are you willing to give up for me regardless of what you look like to others? What is more important – their opinions or the destiny I have placed on your life? What is more important – worrying about being mocked or stepping out into what I have for you?
“You, of course Father! You are what matters. So, if you tell me to go, I’ll go. Wherever that is.” And I meant it. I knew that camp was as far as I was to go.
Wednesday we headed back to camp. When we arrived, we went straight into session and as I’m sitting there, a girl gets up that had been a previous racer to talk about India and the things she discovered and how she wrote a book about it. She spoke my heart language. As I sat there, I broke. Everything in me broke. I have been broken for this before, but nothing like Wednesday.
I sat there with tears literally streaming down my face. Kate grabs my hand and squeezes it telling me that she knows (she knew I wouldn’t stay). I cried even more. Father speaks and says, “this is what I have created you for – to go after my girls and to let them know how much I love them. To show them who they are, who their identity lies in, what they are worth. This is what I created you for – to usher women into a new place in my heart. To speak destiny over their lives and love them into wholeness in Me (among other things).”
It was the most clarity I had since being here and even though my heart was heavy, I had so much peace.
We had a new sleeping scenario this night – 9 girls in a community tent. It was crazy but it was so good! It made my heart happy! I laid beside Josie and the thought of “man! If I had not become part of this squad, I wouldn’t know this girl at all. She has brought so much joy and laughter to my life in such a short time and I wouldn’t change being here for anything just to know her.” And then I began to think about the other girls that were in this tent with me and the one beside us and laid there and cried. I knew what I was about to give up but I knew that I had to for the sake of kingdom, for the sake of my yes to Father.
Friday was finally here – they were choosing teams for the field. I had a conversation with one of my leaders and explained my heart and where I was. That was followed by another conversation with other leaders, prayer, questions, and answers. I had to give them an answer by 12:45 that afternoon. I ended up going for a walk in the woods alone. I was a little confused about some things but Di, of course, always reminds that God is not a God of confusion. “Kay! You already know what to do.” I all of the sudden had so much peace.
Steph, Esther, and I end up walking off to the side to have one more discussion before I give my answer. As we are standing there, Steph says “Kayla, I have nothing. I can’t tell you that you are supposed to go and I can’t tell you that you are supposed to stay. I have nothing. I don’t know much about your life but I feel like you have had decisions made for you your entire life. Father is giving you the opportunity to make the decision yourself, to step out and trust Him and yourself to make the right one. Not based on what anyone else wants or thinks but on what He says and your heart.” After standing there for just a minute, Steph looks at me and asks, “what do you want? What do YOU want to do?” I just laughed. And then I teared up. I was about to say it.
“I don’t want to go on the race. It’s not where I’m supposed to be.”
I can’t tell you what that did in my heart. It was the most difficult decision I have ever had to make but I have never had more peace about anything in my life. It looks crazy because of what I am walking away from, not just with this squad and this trip but my life in general. But, He is worth my yes! And I would give it again and again and again and I will continue to give Him my yes every moment of every day because I know that what He has for me and my life is far greater than anything I can imagine. So, I am diving head first into the unknown.
I am literally stepping into nothing and believing for everything. I am not walking away from a good job! I am walking into my destiny. I am not giving up a place to live. I am walking into complete and total dependence on Father. I am not giving up, I am not walking away from responsibility and I am not running away from life, I am rushing into it with everything I have!
Welcome to FULL dependence!
To my amazing squad:
I could not be more grateful or more proud of who you are! I could not imagine my life without any of you in it anymore. I could not say thank you enough for loving me in the most amazing ways. You guys have changed my life.
Although I am not going with you around the world, I will always and forever have your backs! I will partner with you and war with you guys as you take on some of the hardest places on earth. I will stand with you and pray you through some of the craziest adventures you have ever been on! You guys have a crazy place in my heart and I can’t tell you how proud I am of every single one of you!! For who you are and for saying yes to Father! He has a specific plan for each one individually and I can’t wait to see it all unfold. He has a specific plan in place for this squad and it is far beyond your imaginations! The places He is going to take you are going to be incredible. The people you are going to encounter are going to be amazing! Don’t ever forget to pay attention to the one – to pour that crazy love that you have on the one. Let each and every single person that you encounter know that they are loved and cherished by the God of the Universe and that He sees them. Be the change in the world that you long for. Run hard and fast into Fathers heart and function out of that place. Live in divine encounter every day. Love every day regardless of how you feel, regardless of how situations and circumstances look. Love regardless of doubt or misunderstanding. Love the hell out of people!
I love you guys far more than I can put into words. F Squad, you will always and forever be my family!!
