Sorry to all my fellow travellers on Qatar Airways, this Christmas Eve.
As we started our takeoff from Kigali, Rwanda to Doha, Qatar, I was that white girl with all of row 17 to herself sobbing the entire 5 hours. If you were on that flight you might be wondering why I was so sad, going home for Christmas?? Little do y’all know the struggles I’ve been facing these last few months.
Heading to Costa Rica in September, I knew this would be a challenging trip, mentally and physically. But was so thrilled to be overseas I became blind.
Throughout Nicaragua in October I was out of the honeymoon phase, truly realising everything I had been failing to notice.
End of Nicaragua at debrief I felt the Lord showing me things. These things I would pray about but unknowingly shut out. They were not from God, I would think to myself, but my own selfish desires.
Throughout the almost two months I spent in Rwanda, I came to the realisation, my flesh had this beautifully painted picture in mind of the World Race. Traveling. Serving others. This whole time it had been my flesh wanting to be here not the Lord calling me here.
When applying for the Race I was required to get a physical filled out and signed by a doctor… Doctor number one, refused to sign off because I was not mentally stable enough to go on this trip. Doctor number 2, refused to sign off since I was not physically fit enough to leave for 9 months… I didn’t like those answers so I went to doctor number 3 who knew very little of my medical history. He signed off and allowed me to launch with my squad.
Some of you may know, I have been blessed with this wonderful genetic connective tissue disorder called, Ehlers-Dalos Syndrome. With that I will constantly be dislocating my hips, knees, shoulders and any other joint you may think of. I suffer from extremely painful and frequent headaches, lots of fatigue, and Auto Immune issues like Dysautonomia, and POTS (post orthostatic tachycardia syndrome). This has been a huge pain in the booty to deal with on the race, and not the most practical.
I was blessed to meet a wonderful girl and friend of mine now, named Emily. Her hometown is actually 5 minutes away from where I live, and we have spent the past 4 months living in community together. She has taught me a lot, and helped me through a lot. Coming onto this trip I thought I was fine. I asked God to break me. He did. I have learned a lot about myself and have grown tremendously. I have learned that it is OKAY to not be okay. This has been Emily’s motto the entire time I have been living with her, and with that I have learned I have depression and anxiety. And it is completely okay. I don’t need to hide it anymore. Em has been my biggest support system through this and I am beyond grateful for her loving, and kind spirited heart.
These past 4 months have been filled with lots of loving on children as Papa is loving on me. I have been praying about this decision long and hard the past two months and truly feel the Lord pulling me back home. I do not want to leave my family here, but I need to take care of myself. My physical health, and my mental health. This is honestly the hardest thing I have ever had to do. And when they say God pulls you out of your comfort zone, I have never been so confident this is true.
To my supporters, thank you so much for believing in me and going out of your way, and out of your comfort zone to support me. I definitely do not want to disappoint any of you. I don’t want you to think you’re money was wasted, or that you were wrong by putting your faith in me to go out into the nations to spread the gospel. I want you to know, I really do have this passion for the untouched people. I want to be this vessel for the Lord. But now is not the time. Adventures staff has been extremely generous and supportive in this decision, and know that this is a mature decision to better my health. They have offered me the chance to be able to defer my funds (aka all your lovely donations), and either allow me to launch on a new gap year next year or do a shorter passport trip of 1-3 months. With my EDS never going to get better a new gap year route is completely out of the question, but I will be accepting their offer and doing a Passport trip through Adventures in Missions, within the next year.
I would sincerely appreciate your prayers still as I am adjusting back into the American culture and way of life. I love all my supporters and most of all Gap H you will forever be my family I love you all the most. Keep doing great things out there and don’t forget about me!!
