It felt like my whole body went numb. To put my feet in the water repulsed me. I wept and slowly bent down in my chair to untie my shoes and tug off my socks. Hunkered over, I watched as my tears fell against my folded hands and then onto my unwashed feet. I had to put my feet in the water.
Memories of what I had done and what I had said flashed through my mind, sending wrenches of nausea through my stomach. At this point I should have put my feet in the bowl sitting in front of me, but somehow every time I tried to lift my legs, my feet felt too heavy.
There were two pastors ready and eager to wash my feet, to represent what Jesus Christ does for me, but I couldn’t let them. The only explanation I was able to mutter was, “I can’t.” I shook my head, crying. “I can’t.”
It wasn’t that I physically couldn’t let these people wash my feet it was what it meant for them to wash my feet that I couldn’t handle. They were representing Jesus, God’s only son, sent to die on a cross to take all that sin that was repulsing me of myself.
In this scenario I have realized I was behaving similarly to one of Jesus’ disciples, Peter. Before Jesus is betrayed and arrested, He and the disciples have the Passover. At the Passover Jesus got up, took off his outer layer of clothing, wrapped a towel around his waist, filled up a basin with water and began to wash the disciples feet.
The washing of the feet was custom at feasts or with guests of honor and it was usually a responsibility for the house servant of lowest standing. Yet in this case Jesus, the most honorable man at the Passover, initiates and begins the washing of the feet, doing it all himself. Jesus not only laid down his life at the cross but he humbly washed the dirt off the feet of his followers, taking on a responsibility left only for the lowliest servants.
Once it comes time for Jesus to wash Peter’s feet Peter asks Jesus, “Lord, do you wash my feet?” and Jesus responds saying, “What I am doing you will not understand now, but afterward you will understand.” Then Peter replies, “You shall never wash my feet.” –John 13:6-8
It’s possible I am interpreting the scripture wrong but I think that Peter recognized how holy Jesus was, how undeserved he was to have his feet washed by the man before him.
This was how I felt sitting in front of my pastors, both of them representing the act of love Jesus is willing to give to his disciples, but also to me and anyone else who is willing. What Peter and I have in common in this instance was the understanding that the man (or representation of man) in front of us did not need to be exposed to all the filth that covered our feet.
I lived in that mindset unknowingly for quite awhile. Though I believed in Jesus and I knew what a gift he was to me, I didn’t want to let him wash away my sin. There was a point in my life where I looked at what Jesus had to offer me and I said to him, “You can never wash my feet.”
At the time I thought I was doing Jesus a favor. He didn’t need to see all the sin I had been living in, He didn’t need to see the way I had acted, He didn’t need to dirty himself with the filth I had covered my feet in.
The love Jesus has for me is what was, in a strange way, holding me back from putting my feet in the water. I could not fathom letting a man see and take everything I had done because it was so shameful. So shameful that when I consider the ungodly things I said, the sick things that I uttered, the way I treated myself, I physically felt my stomach lurching in repulsion.
But Jesus isn’t a man who wants us to better ourselves before coming to the cross; he isn’t a man who wants us to clean up before he washes our feet. He is a man who rises from his chair in the middle of supper, as others wait with eager anticipation of what in the world he might be doing.
Just imagine.
This man, the savior of the world, sitting at your supper table and unannounced rises from his chair for an unknown reason. He then takes off his outer garments and wraps a towel around his waist. Contextually at this point you would understand what He is preparing to do, as it was custom in the bible to wash feet. Yet still, I imagine the disciples wondering, “why is Jesus washing our feet out of all people?”
I imagine him filling a basin of water, kneeling on the ground and motioning one of the disciples over. They watch him in shock and wonder as to how and why this man continues to amaze them.
Then it’s your turn. You walk over and sit down. I would have whispered to Jesus, “It’s really okay you don’t need to do this. I can just wash them myself.” Then He looks up at me with soft and welcoming eyes.
My feet were then immersed in the water and tough hands began to scrub at the layers of dirt that I had left for so long. I carried them with me, I walked around with them covering my feet, afraid of what someone might say or think of me if I showed them what I had been hiding. I said I would wash them myself but they were stains I was not capable of removing on my own.
I was afraid to let Jesus wash my feet because I didn’t think He would love me after he saw what I had covered them in.
What I walked through tells a story, I can only admit to my story because I now understand that Jesus humbly took on what I could no longer hold on my own and he washed it all away. I didn’t want him to see what he was dealing with, I didn’t want him to see the dirt but because I let him, because I put my feet in the water, I can now see how redeeming the love of Jesus is for me.
He loved me so much that even before he died upon the cross, he took on the lowliest, most displeasing of tasks and washed the dirt off of my feet.
I consider my feet anointed by God. He sent his very son to come and humbly put himself before me, taking every sin and washing it away, how important I must be to him! He let me make my way through the grime and through the pits because I chose to, but he also willingly washed it all away, giving me a testimony to share with all who are willing to hear. Now I will walk boldly in faith with him, trusting that he will take my feet and guide my steps to whatever, whoever and wherever I must go.
“How beautiful are the feet of those who preach the good news.” –Romans 10:15
As part of raising my support and telling my story, I have designed t-shirts and would love for you to check them out here!
