As a twenty-two year old, single, Christian woman I sometimes believe that I am in a season of waiting, waiting for a man to come and sweep me off my feet, protect me and tell me I’m pretty.
There are nights that I come home from work, take a nice long shower, shave my legs, find a cute outfit and then just feel sad when I realize there is no one to appreciate me, no one to take me out to a nice dinner, no one to pick me up and no one for me to laugh with. These thoughts start raging war in my mind.
Will there ever be someone? What is wrong with me that I don’t already have someone? All I want right now is for someone to like me, someone to appreciate who I am.
I’m not trying to boast and by no means am I trying to make this a post bashing on men but usually after thinking all these things I begin to think my standards are too high, that there really isn’t a good, Christian man out there for me, that my criteria for a man is impossible to find, and if I want so badly for someone to like me that I should just lower my standards.
But I won’t… at least I won’t anymore.
There have been times in the past where I gave in to the lies and lowered the bar. I wanted to be loved, appreciated and liked, so I settled for someone who wasn’t what was best for me and it’s likely I wasn’t best for him either.
I recall one night specifically, my freshman year of college, I had received a message from an upperclassman asking if I wanted to come hang out at his house. We had started to get to know each other in class. He was funny and nice, so I didn’t see the harm in accepting the invitation.
He might really like me. I saw myself being able to have a lot of fun with him and who knew, it might turn into something more than just friends, finally allowing the void inside me to be filled.
I tried to act all nonchalant, as if hanging out with upperclassman guys was something I did all the time. Playing along with the little act, I was surprised when I accepted his offer to let me spend the night.
Waking up next to a man was strange; I was disappointed in myself. I was trying to fulfill a long-term void with a short-term fix. Everything I thought I wanted was right there but I just wanted to cry.
He had done nothing wrong, he never tried to have sex with me; we just kissed and fell asleep in his bed. But what I thought would be adventurous and fun, really ended up leaving me more aware of just how empty and alone I felt.
How is it that I found myself waking up next to a man, in a situation where all I wanted was right in front of me and still didn’t feel loved?
Wasn’t this what I wanted?
It was, but he wasn’t what I needed him to be. He wasn’t someone who had the capability, even if he had wanted to, to fulfill the deep longing in my soul.
Unfortunately, it took me a while to put the pieces together and realize that there will never be a man who will be able to fulfill the longing I have in my soul.
We as humans are not perfect, we are sinners and we make mistakes. Given that, we as individuals cannot expect others to always meet our expectations, to always be there when we need them, to love us the way we need to be loved. People in this world will let us down, no matter how perfect for us they may seem.
When I realized all of this about two years ago, I fell into a season of winter, hopelessly wanting someone to understand everything I was feeling, to be able to say exactly what I needed to hear, someone to love me the way I needed to be loved, but that someone wasn’t there.
This wasn’t God punishing me. He is a good God, and I believe his intentions mirror that goodness.
I was in a season of winter because I had to learn how to survive the storm and if it’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that you can’t survive the storm on your own. It was an incredibly hard season of life, but I learned that when the wind and snow are propelling around me and it seems that no one is there, God is guiding me, leading me through the white abyss, I only had to take the time to look up and take his outstretched hand.
He knows I need him. He knows I don’t want to be alone. He knows that I feel lost. He knows me.
He, the God of the universe, takes the time to know me.
He knows that I am stubborn and he knows that I will try to walk through the storm alone. He knows that sometimes I think I can do it without him.
He also knows that without him I will fail to survive.
So he waits.
He walks behind me, beside me and in front of me, waiting. He will never leave my side.
Everyday is a battle but lately I am learning that it is when I chose to take his hand that I begin to see glimpses of spring.
When I take his hand He shows me the sweet love he has for me. The storm begins to fade and again, I feel the rays of sun, shining on my face, reminding me of what it was like when I was in a season of summer.
He isn’t trying to punish me. He is a good God, he doesn’t want me to feel alone and I am now learning that I don’t have to.
He is my one true love. Every longing, every desire, every tear, every laugh, every song, every thought, he knows.
He may not take me out on a date, but He leads me beside quiet waters. He tells me that I am so much more than just pretty, He tells me I am knit together in my mother’s womb to be fearfully and wonderfully made. He knows every fiber in my being. There is no place that I could go that He would not be beside me, protecting me, guiding me, waiting for me.
He knows me, He delights in me, and He fulfills the longing in my soul more than anyone else could ever be capable of.
My heart overflows, as I stand hand-in-hand with my maker, watching as the snow melts into a rolling river and listening as the sweet songs of birds remind me that spring is here.
