This is part three in a three part series. Please read parts one and two first.
My team loved me. They now knew all my dirty laundry, and
they loved me. And they’re encouraging and helping me take these next steps to
healing. I know that I need to somehow accept God’s love in my life. And I know
now that my team will help me as I walk this out. I actually think that
accepting my team’s love and support was the first step for me. If these people
who have known me for less than a year can love me unconditionally, how much
more must God be able to?
So, how do you learn to accept God’s love?
I have no idea.
It is an ongoing struggle
for me. But here in Kenya, there is a lot of healing taking place in my heart.
And I don’t have any answers yet, but they’re coming. What is it taking for me
to continue on this road to be able to fully accept God’s love for me? And to
be able to see even a glimpse of what God sees when He looks at me?
Vulnerability with my teammates. Hunger for the truth. Desire
for my Saviour’s love. Willingness to be broken. Obedience to what God tells me
to do. Honesty with myself, and with God.
I am cutting loose the negative words spoken over me. I am
coming face to face with lies I have believed my entire life, and finding
truths to counter them. I am searching the Bible and I am getting lost in
prayer. I am being more vulnerable with my team than ever before. I am for the
first time giving other people into a glimpse of what’s going on inside of me,
instead of trying to maintain a facade.
Last week, a teammate prophesied over me and told me that I need
to make a list of how I see myself, and then make a list of how God sees me. This
is something that was suggested I do at the last debrief, but I never actually
did. I thought the first list would be easy, but it was surprisingly hard. I
was brutally honest with myself. And even I was shocked by the overall negativity
of the list. But it did help me identify areas of my life that I need to pray
about, and areas that I need to start cutting off lies. As for the second list,
well, I’m still working on it. I am finding it incredibly difficult.
I am going through the Bible and finding passages about God’s
love, about what God sees when He looks down on His children, or about how much
He desires relationship with His children. But finding these passages are the
easy part, and adding them to the list is the easy part. Reading them until I
understand takes a while. And reading them, praying about them, and talking
about them until I actually accept the truth within takes a lot longer.
I’m broken. God already knows that, He sees my heart. So it’s
time for me to stop trying to hide that, to finally be honest with myself and
with God, and humble myself to ask for His help. And really, that’s what God
has been waiting for. For me to come to him, finally to give him every last
piece of me. This last piece of me that I have been holding onto has finally
been given to the refining fire. God is purifying me more and more every day.
God wants to love
me, now I just have to let Him.
This is hard to write. My innermost struggles, thoughts,
doubts and fears all written down in one place. And hey, now that it’s all
written down, don’t delete it, or even just send it to my family and a couple
of close friends. Nope, let’s post it on the internet for anyone to see! God
sometimes tells us to do things we really don’t want to do.
I feel like I have bared my soul on the internet for the
world to see. I have opened myself up for judgement, for pity, or for laughter.
But as I said, I know that obedience is one of the things I need to submit
myself to, and trust that God knows what He is doing in my heart. And if this
blog strikes home and helps even just one other person, then this vulnerability
is worth it.
Family and friends back home, I owe you the same apology
that I owed my team here. I am sorry for not being completely honest with you,
and for seeking help and support from you. Even thought I didn’t really realize
it until Thailand, my inability to accept God’s love has been affecting my
relationships since before the Race. I’m sorry for being slow, for being
stubborn, and for being blind. I love you all so much.
You will be a crown of
splendour in the Lord’s hand,
A royal diadem in the
hand of your God.
No longer will they
call you Deserted,
Or name your land
Desolate.
But you will be called
Hephzibah,
And your land Beulah;
For the Lord will take
delight in you,
And your land will be
married.
As a young man marries
a maiden,
So will your builder
marry you;
As a bridegroom
rejoices over his bride,
So will your God
rejoice over you.
Isaiah 62: 3-5
