We are living along the coast of southern India, in the state of Andhra Pradesh, and working at Sarah’s Covenant Homes (SCH), a project of India Christian Ministries (ICM) that provides family-style foster homes for special needs orphans. We spend each morning with the children who live in our building – I spend my mornings with 5 boys, 4 of whom have cerebral palsy and 1 who is blind and autistic. We then have a lunch break and spend half our afternoon at the ICM office working on various projects, followed by time at the other SCH houses.
Left: View from our apartment’s roof; Right: view of town from another SCH home’s roof
Coming to India, I was feeling homesick and missing my old team, but I had high expectations for this month. God gave me dreams about India several years ago, telling me that I would go there someday. I actually found the World Race when I was looking for mission trips to India in college, and I chose this route because it was the only one launching in January with India on it. I left Swaziland expecting my month here to be a defining month on my Race, one that would forever change my heart. I expected to fall in love with India right away, despite the fact that so many people on my squad were dreading it. And I had heard that India would be one of the hardest months on the Race, but I didn’t think it would be any harder than the past two months for me.
I was wrong.
While I have fallen in love with India, this month has been incredibly hard. I have felt so very exhausted, burned out, overwhelmed, and numb. I’ve been pouring out and not being filled back up – I’ve hardly felt God at all here. And I’m trying to listen for Him, but the chaos of our everyday life seems to be drowning Him out. Our days are long, we don’t have much free time, and ministry with the kids at SCH is overwhelming. AND I got lice from the kids and literally have not stopped sweating the whole month.
I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve wanted to quit and give up this month. I’ve realized that I’m broken and always have been, but now I don’t have any way to cover it up like I did at home. That’s probably why I’m so homesick – I felt safe and strong at home. I could push my pain away with the comforts of an American life. But I don’t have that anymore. God forced me out of my comfort zone so that I would learn to depend on Him instead of myself. And let me tell you, it’s been a hard lesson to learn. And the journey from my head to my heart is a LONG one that is not yet complete. But God is using this month to take away every bit of control I have so that I will trust Him and know He’s in control of everything. Literally, everything. I couldn’t even download a movie from iTunes until I gave up and told God it was His problem to deal with.
On top of that, I’ve been questioning God about how He could let His children have disabilities that would prevent them from knowing Him, and how their situations could possibly be good for them. One morning when I was questioning Him while sitting with the boys, He answered back:
“Do you not trust me with my own children?”
“Of course, God, I know you love them and provide for them. But I just don’t understand. Why are we here? We aren’t doing anything for these boys. We need to be doing therapy or something. And we need to get Asher to start walking!”
“That’s not for you to decide. All you need to do is love them.”
That was my wake-up call. All we can really do is show God’s love to those we meet, and trust that His love will change them. And sometimes loving is hard. Sometimes you have to choose to love. Sometimes love is painful. But God is worth it.
The precious boys I spend my mornings with!
Shortly after, a song came on my iPod (we always play music for the boys) called “The Cost” by Rend Collective Experiment. It says,
“I’m saying yes to You, and no to my desires. I’ll leave myself behind, and follow You. I’ll walk the narrow road, ’cause it leads me to You. I’ll fall but grace will pick me up again. I’ve counted up the cost. Oh, I’ve counted up the cost. Yes, I’ve counted up the cost, and You are worth it. I do not need safety, as much as I need You. You’re dangerous, but Lord, You’re beautiful. I’ll chase You through the pain. I’ll carry my cross. ‘Cause real love is not afraid to bleed. I’ve counted up the cost. Oh, I’ve counted up the cost. Yes, I’ve counted up the cost. And You are worth it… Jesus, take my all, take my everything. I’ve counted up the cost, and You’re worth everything. Jesus, take my all, take my everything. I’ve counted up the cost, and You’re worth everything. I’ve counted up the cost. Oh, I’ve counted up the cost. Yes, I’ve counted up the cost, and You are worth it.”
So, I quit. I quit my old ways and habits. I quit pushing away pain. I came on the Race to be transformed, and the only way for God to do that is if I surrender everything to Him. I choose to carry my cross, and chase Him through the pain, because real love is not afraid to bleed. The fun and exciting honeymoon phase of the Race is over, and this journey just got real hard. I can’t do it on my own anymore. Only God can get me through this. And I trust Him to do just that.
